Dr. Erin Hayford (00:01.014)
Hey everyone and welcome to the onion layers episode. So this is a topic I like to talk about often because it is, I think it's a helpful metaphor and I'm someone who really likes to relate things to like images or analogies or metaphors, et cetera, just because they help to really, I think, illuminate what I'm talking about or give sort of a different way of interacting with the concept that might be easier to comprehend or grasp.
So when we think of an onion, right, like there's layers to it, hence the name of this episode. So there's layers and layers and layers and you peel them back and eventually get to this kind of central space in the onion. And what I think of in terms of that central space, that kind of core, not that there's like a pit or anything to an onion, but maybe that innermost layer is that innermost layer is who we are. That is our essence, right? Kind of our authentic.
self, if you will. And maybe the another way to think of it is, it's the person we came into the world being, you know, when we are born, if we were able to speak and think as we can as adults, we would have this really intuitive capacity to communicate who we are to show up in this really authentic way that is just completely resonant with our the personality we come into the world having, right? We often talk about nurture versus nature.
And so nature is that core, that core self that we are when we come into this world. And when that core self then comes into contact with say an abusive parent or a bully at school or a stressful event or some belief system that is in their world often enough that it becomes adopted, we can, you know, more and more and more, we can think of these things as layers that start to get put on this core.
self, this core person. So these are the layers of the onion that begin to get packed on, so to speak. And whatever is the outermost layer, the most exposed layer, that is the persona, the person that we show up as in the world. So that's the outward facing self, right? That's kind of the who, the self we identify with, who we show up as, what people think of when they interact with us. And that's not to say that people don't get glimpses of our essence.
Dr. Erin Hayford (02:23.686)
nor does it say that there's no aspect of us that is so to speak authentic, right? It's not saying that there's no authentic self showing up in the world, but there's these layers that alter our authentic self. It's kind of like if you put food coloring into water, the water's still there, right? The sort of essence of the water is still there, but it's colored, it looks different. It's got a different...
It's got a different color. It probably tastes a little different than if the water was just water. So that's the way to think about these layers is that it's not like we're this completely different human, but there are tints and taints and colors and changes and ways that authentic self is being sort of filtered and expressed differently. And of course, it's also true to say that the more layers there are, the less and less and less
in tune we are with that authentic self and yes, the less that part of us comes through. So an example of this might be someone who is a people pleaser. right? So Let's say you if it's you, grew up in a world where you know, pleasing people, making people happy was a way to survive. You know, If you made such and such a person happy, that meant they would not get mad and maybe they wouldn't hurt you. or your mom or, okay, so I just made it about a parent, but right, so like let's just say that...
is the story, right? So like your job, your role is to make people happy. And when you do that, harm is less to the people you love, to yourself, et cetera. And so then that people pleasing persona that layer, takes away from maybe a part of you that really wants to say no to something, or set a boundary, or that doesn't actually like that person and doesn't really want to like interact with them, right? Like Those kinds of natural urges and emotions and
inclinations that you might have, ways you might otherwise show up in the world, are changed because of that layer. And so that is a way in which the natural tendencies, that core self, does not get to show up authentically. And the more we engage in these behaviors, the more rooted and more kind of solidified they become, they become something we identify with really strongly to the point where if we were to take that layer away, it feels unsafe.
Dr. Erin Hayford (04:42.954)
Because first of all, it's kind of what we're used to, right? And when we get used to something, it's familiar and familiarity is safe. We can expect it, we can rely on it, we kind of know what it's all about. There's a lot of fear around the unknown and we'll talk about this on other episodes, but it's something that it's kind of one of those things where the irony, if that's the right word, is even if we know it's harmful for us, it's...
safer, it feels safer to our system to do the thing that's harmful versus to do something new because something new is unknown, it's new, we don't know what to expect, we don't know what it's about and that just feels way scarier, right? So it's easier to keep that layer on than to take it off. And so this is sort of the conundrum we find ourselves in where we maybe want to peel back layers or again we see the harm in the layer and yet it feels safe to keep it there. And again the
the more we can think of these safety walls being built around ourselves that are keeping us from engaging with that core self. So when we go on a healing journey, we are essentially working through these layers because the idea behind my work and the work of many other folks who are in this mind-body world who work with chronic illness, et cetera, is that chronic illness or illness in general, symptoms, physical symptoms of the body,
are a way that our body is expressing a misalignment with our authenticity. So whenever you're saying yes, when you mean no, when you are showing up for something you didn't want to show up for, when you're smiling, when you want to cry, when you are wanting to set a boundary but feel like you have to do something, you know, when you're in a job that just is like soul crushing, when you're in a relationship that is not reflecting back and accurately
you know, like showing you your worth, right? All of those things are this continuous way in which we are showing up and engaging in things that are not in alignment, they're not resonating with our core authentic self. And so that causes a stress response in the body, which causes our body to shift into a mode that does not promote health and healing. And again, these are topics that will be talked about in other episodes, but the more we engage in these things that cause stress.
Dr. Erin Hayford (07:01.334)
the more we are in that mode that does not promote healing and that leads to illness, right? And so illness is thought of as in my work again, is this way to start to get back into that core self to get to kind of like find our way back. So the symptom is sort of this, it's like a guiding post, right? You know, and this is part of the work that we do in my community space and through the courses that I teach is reframing our idea around what illness really is.
that illness really helps us to find these layers, find what stands between our authentic self and our current outward facing self and start to peel those layers back and facing the fear that comes up around that, facing the emotions that might be packed into that layer, facing the limiting belief that layer might have, you know, like you're not worthy enough, you're not lovable, you're bad, you're stupid, whatever it is, right? Like we have to work through these layers in order to release them.
in order to get to the next layer or to get into a closer and closer proximity to that core self. And this is something I talked about in my community not that long ago, that I don't consider myself like a spiritual guru or obviously I'm not someone who has it all figured out. But one of the things I do believe is that we can get back to that core self. However, I do believe we are also always kind of adding layers on, right? Like we might come into contact with a situation that feels
Um, stressful or uncomfortable, or like, let's say we express a sense or sense of humor and someone like pushes back against it and we might say like, Oh, I guess my sense of humor is inappropriate. I guess maybe I should hide that part of myself. Right. But if we start to do this work, we can start to catch when we are putting a layer on and do the work to kind of track back, right, to take that layer back off again. And say, you know what, if that person.
doesn't like my sense of humor, like that's okay. That doesn't mean that it's not okay, that it's not okay for me to express that. Maybe I won't around them or maybe that person's not for me, right? But it doesn't mean that I have to just blanket hide that part of myself anymore because that's who I am. And the more we get back to that core and we get that sense of this is who I am, we start to be really familiar with and be able to easily identify this is something that is causing me to...
Dr. Erin Hayford (09:20.674)
go away from my authentic self. And so I'm going to see this as a kind of a test, right? To just keep me in my integrity. It's challenging my self-worth because it wants to keep me making high self-worth decisions. And so I'm gonna stay in my integrity by saying no, or not interacting with that person or whatever the response is that ultimately keeps us in integrity with ourselves. So I hope that's helpful.
Again, this is an analogy I use often in the healing journey and those layers are really tough to peel back, especially if we are, you know, kind of doing it by ourselves or if we are not familiar with the fact that it's normal and totally expected to encounter these things in the healing journey. There's many, many layers where we will feel like the healthiest and best decision is to go back to what's familiar. And so there's always a choice point, right? When we encounter this next layer, are we gonna move forward through it, seeing it for what it is?
or are we going to go back to old behavior because that's what's safe and familiar? And so it's always that choice point. I think one of the underlying themes of this work is that challenges or discomfort or things that are uncomfortable, things that are triggering, et cetera, can either be thought of as bad, right, and something to be avoided, or they can be thought of as places where we grow, right? We grow outside of our comfort zone so that...
that kind of like leads us to say that anything that is uncomfortable is going to lead to growth. So again, I hope this was helpful. And if you found this interesting, I would highly recommend you consider joining the sacred illness community where you get access to archives of videos such as this one and much more. Thanks so much and I'll see you next time.
