Dr. Erin Hayford [00:00:02]:
So the big question is, we know spontaneous remissions and so called miracle cures exist. We also know they aren't so spontaneous after all. I'm living proof of this. Having cured my quote unquote incurable illness, there's something to how this happens. So how do we as humans with chronic symptoms, tap into this so called miraculous healing capacity? That is the question, and this podcast will give you the answers.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:00:30]:
My name is Doctor Erin Hayford, and.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:00:32]:
Welcome to the Sacred Illness podcast.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:00:36]:
Before we begin today's episode, just my standard medical disclaimer. This podcast is intended for educational and informational purposes only. The content should not be considered a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult with a qualified healthcare professional.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:00:52]:
Regarding any medical condition concerns. Hey, everyone, and welcome back to the Sacred Illness podcast. Doctor Aaron here with co host Orianna. And today we're going to start a little mini series on what is the authentic self? This is a concept that came up recently when I was teaching the triggers class that I taught a couple of weeks ago. It's a core concept to the work that we do, like who are we really? Well, who is, who are we at our core, and the process of the healing journey really being this journey back to ourselves. And as I was teaching this within the context of the triggers course, a course participant asked me, but how do we really know who our authentic self really is? Isn't that just kind of the result of our environment and the things that we come into contact to, like, essentially, doesn't ourselves sort of develop over time as we're exposed to people, places, things, ideas, et cetera? And I thought it was a really good question, because what it really brought up for me is that we, there's many different ideas of what this authentic self is. I have a really kind of core way of thinking and talking about it, which we'll share in this podcast today. But it made me curious, how are other people talking about it? What do other people think about who this authentic self is? And so I started basically googling it.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:02:09]:
I just started researching it. And I mean, there's obviously, we know Google, there was tons and tons of information out there, so many different ideas. But what I found was there's really some core ideas, some core concepts that seem to repeat over and over again, especially through people that are more, you know, esteemed in the world of psychology and philosophy. And really what it distills down to is that this authentic self is who we came into the world being before any sort of conditioning took place, before, you know, we were exposed to culture before we were exposed to our parents, so to speak, you know, and their ideas and their thoughts and their feelings before we started moving into the world of having friends and being impacted by society, right? So it's this kind of this idea that we come into the world already being who we are. And, you know, there's, I was saying to Orianna before we started recording today, a lot of these philosophies and ideas get into this idea of the soul, which is very much in aligned with what I believe and what I see in my own self. But it's kind of beyond the scope of today's podcast and our work in general. But really, this idea of the authentic self is this. This being we come into the world being with.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:03:22]:
If you want to even take it a step further, you know, who has this kind of innate purpose, right? Like, there's a purpose that we are here to fulfill. And when we are in alignment with who that authentic self is, we can express who that person is, free flowing, without inhibition, without any sort of reservations whatsoever. And what can happen when we are exposed to culture, parents, you know, whatever we might be born into, that's where we can start to get away from that authentic self. And so really, the healing journey in the work that we do here is this process of becoming ourselves once again. We start to rediscover who that innate self was before any of that programming happened. And how not only who is that person on the inside, but how do we then let that person express themselves freely in the world, safely, without any sort of holdbacks or alterations? How do we feel really safe to be that self, and how does that self want to express? And so the point of today's podcast is to get into these different ways and reasons that we get away from our authentic self. Why do we get away from it? How does that happen? What kinds of things are we exposed to that causes us to hide, bury, stop expressing that authentic self? And so today we're getting into some specific idea around archetypes, which is a really interesting conversation. A parent can show up in the world in a certain way, essentially as a result of their own stress and traumatic background.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:04:55]:
And these archetypes are helpful ways to identify like, oh yeah, that was my parent, and this is, you know, how that was maybe misaligned or unhelpful or harmful to me. And oh yeah, this child archetype that totally describes who I am, and that's how I show up in the world. So I'm going to hand it over to you, Orianna, and then we can start going through the list. There's several different types of parent archetypes and kid archetypes, and we'll just kind of take it from there.
Oriana Broderick [00:05:20]:
Okay, so this particular list that we'll kind of go through comes from the book called how to do the work by doctor Nicole Pera. And the reason why I chose to talk about the list this way is just because it's more streamlined. You can find it in different psychology books and different spiritual books. I mean, there's all sorts of different places that you can end up looking at these different archetypes that show up as we move through life. And I think personally for me, as I've started to move through this for myself, it is about starting off with an understanding, starting off with being able to say, okay, here is something that I was experiencing with my parents, and now it makes sense why I choose to behave this way. So an example could be that your parent was dismissive emotionally. And so then that created a space for you to be an overachiever because you thought the more that you could do, the more that you could show your parent, the less dismissive they would be. And so what we actually end up doing from a health perspective is we push and we push and we push and we push ourselves, trying to be seen and heard by our parents, our caregivers, our friends, whoever is important to us in our life.
Oriana Broderick [00:06:46]:
And what that ends up being for us is a detriment. And it then creates that cycle of staying in fight or flight because our nervous system doesn't understand that we're trying to get our needs met. It is just saying, this is dangerous because my needs as a child were consistently dismissive. And I think that one thing to understand too, about a potentially a parent who is dismissive is it doesn't have to be something that is really big and overarching. It could be you being a little girl and saying, you know, this aunt in my family is giving me a certain type of feeling and I'm feeling uncomfortable around them. And then sharing that with your parent and your parent saying, oh, she's just trying to be nice, be polite. And that in itself is how these, it's like a snowball effect. So your parent, most of the time, unknowingly, now there are parents who of course are just innately difficult and don't do things out of just pure meanness, maybe.
Oriana Broderick [00:07:54]:
I mean, there's some other things that we could get into a whole podcast about that. But really what it is is a lot of times it is their subconscious programming because they may be this parental archetype, but that came from being a certain type of child who had a certain type of parent. And so they don't even realize consciously that they've dismissed your feelings. And now as a child, you're like, well, am I supposed to abandon this feeling because this person is just trying to be nice to me versus validating that feeling in your child and saying, what would make you feel more comfortable in that situation? I mean, I'm sure we can all come up with a scenario, who's listening to this? That that has potentially happened. And then if we. We imagine our parents showing up for us in a way that was different, and that's kind of how we start to decondition these things. How we start to deconstruct them to get to this authentic self that we're talking about is understanding. And we'll go through the list and talk about them and give examples, but understanding where we came from, how we got these programs, and then how we can decondition them.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:09:03]:
There's definitely, like you were saying, exceptions to the rule of people who are just overtly cruel and abusive. But I would say the majority of the time, people are acting out of their own dysregulation or their own programming. I think the really frustrating thing that we see in child parent dynamics is how. Yeah. Like, that past programming is, you know, we get triggered by our kids, and because of that past programming, because we take it in. In this way that is, you know, it's almost like when we are not authentically aligned with ourselves, we cannot authentically relate to other people. And we can't, you know, see, like, their authentic expression as safe and okay and normal. Like, we don't have that kind of presence of mind.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:09:48]:
Right? Because we've learned to interpret certain behaviors and certain things in certain ways. And so we're responding out of this place of, like, hurt and dysregulation and trauma. I mean, you know, and what obviously comes to mind for me is anger, especially. You know, I talk a lot about my own parenting adventures, you know, in a lot of the ways I show up on social media, etcetera. My son is three right now. And so he's in that, you know, he's in the. In the phase in which he is really starting to come into his own. You know, when we're born, we.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:10:20]:
We don't differentiate between self and other. We we think we are our mother or our father or whoever our primary caregiver is or are. And so we start that differentiation process around two, three years old, right, which is where all that anger and so called rebellion can start to show up. But it's really, really healthy. And I think because so much of our wounding just culturally, like, as a people in general, is around anger and rejection and abandonment, like, I feel like those are some really core wounds in so many of us. This particular phase can be a major wounding point. You know, where these are archetypes start to come out, or, you know, we start to react in ways that are, again, not authentic to us and not authentic to our child. There's not this, you know, our child.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:11:09]:
Again, if we're saying our authentic self is who we come into the world being, our children are more authentic than us nine times. I mean, probably ten times out of ten, right? I mean, they are. They are more authentic when they are born. They are who they are. And so every time they are expressing something as a child, especially like zero to three before programming really starts to get heavy, that is their authentic self showing up in the world. And so if we respond to it in a way that is in some way, like, suppressive or demeaning or violent or whatever, in a way that's saying to the child, don't do that, essentially, don't be that person. Don't show up in that way, then that's where the. That's where the programming begins.
Oriana Broderick [00:11:54]:
The reality denying parent is the example that I gave of. There's a couple of pieces to that. Because not only are they dismissing your emotions when they tell you that your aunt is making you uncomfortable, if that's what you told them, but they're also denying the fact that you have a reason to be upset when your children are three years old. I have an adult son now, but when my son was three years old, there were a lot of those moments where he would act out in a way that my wounded self would feel like was not appropriate. And so I to not deny his reality, I would often have to just allow him to play that out regardless of how uncomfortable it made me feel. And I think that that is how we get to that space of denying reality, because we haven't done work to regulate our nervous system so that we're not uncomfortable with the way our children are behaving. I mean, we have so many things set as a society on how children are meant to behave. You know, make sure your children wear shoes when they go to the store, and they shouldn't be screaming and yelling.
Oriana Broderick [00:13:01]:
And, you know, all of these things. And so we take not only what our parents have taught us about how to raise our children or to us about just being children, but then as we become parents, we take on that. We take on the way society is, the way other moms are. I mean, with social media, that's a whole nother piece to that puzzle. And so that's why I think it's so important to realize if you have this type of parent, if you may be behaving as this type of parent, because once you realize that, you can see, you can almost see in yourself, okay, I'm behaving a certain way that's going to create this reality for my child that makes them feel like what they're doing is wrong. For an example of this, I heard a mom in the store a few months ago. I was in target, and her kids were in the cart, and they were all doing different things. Like, she had three kids, so one was trying to climb out of the cart, one was screaming, one was crying.
Oriana Broderick [00:13:59]:
So they were all had their own little emotional things going on, right? I mean, we don't realize how stimulated children are in those situations. There's so many things for them to touch and see, and there's people, and it's a whole thing. And we are also stimulated as well. So she told her children, everybody needs to sit down and be quiet or nobody's getting any lunch. And so, do I think she was a bad mom? No, I think she was overstimulated. And she then denied her children the fact to express their emotions and then tied it to a basic need of being able to get food. And so you're always going to have the one child that's going to rebel against it. They don't care.
Oriana Broderick [00:14:39]:
I don't care if I'm going to get food or not. I'm going to keep acting this way. But the other two kids got quiet because they made that connection instantly, because kids are so much more intuitive and smarter than we give them credit for. Credit for. So they instantly made that connection of, I know I'm going to be hungry in an hour. When it's lunchtime. I'm going to be quiet because I want to eat lunch. And so we don't realize what's that, what that's doing to their nervous system.
Oriana Broderick [00:15:03]:
And in that moment, all we want is for everybody to stop, basically, because we're dysregulated with them. So that's just a couple examples of that particular type of parent.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:15:15]:
Absolutely. And, yeah, that is such a great example because that shows how. I mean, that's a core need, right?
Oriana Broderick [00:15:22]:
Food.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:15:23]:
We need food to survive. And so when there's some sort of react, like, when we are innately overstimulated as kids, like you said, that's a very normal. Like, we have. Our brain is continuously developing until we're 25. So really, we don't have emotional control, especially at, you know, anything under seven, right? And even, like, we just don't have emotional regulation. We don't have emotional intelligence, right? We are. We are pretty dysregulated beings for the first 25 years of our lives, which I think if we all reflect back, it's like, yep, that's true. I mean, obviously, it gets better as time goes on, but, you know, especially the younger you get, the more and more dysregulated that nervous system is.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:16:04]:
And that is a literal developmental thing. Like, the white matter in our brain is not there. The myelination is still forming in many aspects of our nervous system as we grow and change throughout life. And so that innate response, especially, like, three kids, target, like, you know, there's a lot of stimulation. There's bright lights, there's a lot of people, there's toys everywhere. Like, how could you not just be like, ah, you know, like, it's a very normal response, and that being paired. So essentially what happens is then it gets, like, associated with, when I feel this way in my body, there is a threat that food is going to be taken away from me. And so this feeling in my body of feeling stimulated and stressed and overwhelmed or what, you know, excited even, it can.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:16:48]:
It's not always negative, right? Feeling excited or just happy to be my siblings and, like, oh, I love this store. That is a bad feeling because the result of me expressing it means I'm not gonna be fed. And, you know, it can be this. It can be so many things. It can be that one time. Like, maybe that's the one and only time that mom has ever said that to her kids, right? Maybe she was desperate, and that was like a big gun she could pull out to, like, stop the behavior. And, you know, we've all been there as parents, and so that might be a one time event. And like you said, some kids are like, meh, whatever, I don't care.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:17:23]:
Some kids that's going to stay in their brain forever. And. And. Or that could be her go to thread, right? Like, that could be the thing that always comes out. And so that, you know, either way, that imprint can happen on a one time occasion, or it can happen due to repetition. It's more likely to happen with repetition, especially if the parent doesn't come back around and say, I'm so sorry, sweetie. I never should have said, like, you're not going to get lunch. You will always have lunch.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:17:48]:
You will always have food, right? And that's. We'll get into that. That's the reprogramming work that we do. But that's how those pairings can happen, and that's how then we start to suppress those innate expressions of self. And as you were talking, I was like, okay, so I definitely am pretty good at this. At my. In my home, in, like, the safety of my home. Like, when my kid is acting up and expressing big feelings.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:18:13]:
Like, we, my husband and I are both really good at, like, holding space and talking, you know, being there with him, mirroring him back emotions, like being present to what's coming up for him. But just yesterday, we were at the grocery store, and, you know, same. Same idea as this target story. Like, the girl, anywhere you go with your child, it's overstimulating. There's just a lot of stuff. He's like, what's that? I want this. Can I open the freezer and slam the door? Can I do that? You know, like, he has all these things he likes to do when we go to the grocery store. And so we were in the last aisle, you know, so we're all kind of, like, getting to that point of like, all right, we gotta get out of here.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:18:51]:
And the last aisles in our grocery stores are always, like, the frozen food aisles. And again, he likes to. He's always in the car, but he likes me to go next to the doors and let him open them and close and open them and all the way down. And I was just like, you know what, honey? I'm just. I'm so tired. Like, we're just. We're gonna go. We're, like, almost done.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:19:07]:
Let's just get out of here. Let's go home. And he lost it. You know, he was like, like, this is, like, you know, the grand finale for his grocery shopping experience. And I was saying no. And so he started screaming. And then, of course, you know, me being like, Shani, you need to quiet down. Then he, like, screams more because he's like, oh, this is, you know, like, let's see how much I can push this, right? Like that natural sort of, like, where's the boundary? Where's the limitation? What's going to happen if I keep doing this? You know, like, that they have that innate curiosity in them.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:19:35]:
Of like, well, you're saying no. What happens if I don't listen? You know, like, where does this go? It's kind of like this. Like, you know, we all have that in us as that age, and I think in general we do. But so he was screaming, and of course people were looking at me, and I experienced immense shame in that moment. Like, I was so embarrassed. And I think that is such a cultural programming thing, right? Because we have this again, this. This is why this gets passed on where, like, any sort of yelling, anger, acting out, not listening, drawing attention. Right? Like, all of those things can be so triggering and so, like, just, we're just.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:20:15]:
We just shun them, you know? And I will be the first to admit that before I had kids, I was one of those people looking at parents and being like, oh, my God, what kind of a parent are you if your kid is doing that right? Like, we just have judgment around. If you're a good parent, your child is quiet and orderly and obedient. It's just this, like, gross way of thinking about human beings, you know? Like, kids are not supposed to be quiet and orderly. That's just not natural. And yet in me, from my own upbringing, I guess, was this shame response. And I didn't, like, yell at him, but I did, like, pull the card over, and I was like, you cannot do that. You have to be quiet. Stop screaming.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:20:50]:
You know? And then he felt that urgency in my own body, and he did quiet down. But then we had a conversation of, like, I know you're disappointed. You know, like, we. I try to, like, bring it back around, but whenever I see that stuff in myself, I'm like, oh, that's interesting, right? Like, there's this part of me that has still this, like, immediate program that shows up and reaction that shows up when certain conditions are perfect, you know, the perfect storm kind of idea. So let's go into the don't see or hear you parent, which is kind of what I just said, but will you talk to us about that one?
Oriana Broderick [00:21:23]:
Yeah. So this one is that old age old silly, that saying that children are meant to be seen and not heard. I mean, if you were raised by that older generation of parents, I was my second primary caregivers, which, you know, I don't know how you have two, but I definitely had two. I had my mom and dad and my grandma and grandpa. My grandma and grandpa are obviously an older generation. And that was very much the vibe of everything. Everywhere that we went, everything that we did, children were meant to be seen. And not heard.
Oriana Broderick [00:21:56]:
Especially little girls. Especially little girls. And so, for me, this type of situation, having two. So I had my mom and dad, who were obviously two different parents, and my grandma and grandpa, who were two different parents. And so having that dynamic of basically having four different types of wounded parents put me in a really weird space because my dad was more of the, like, no boundaries, dysregulated parent, where his anger and all of his stuff was. Everything was so explosive. And so that brought out that natural rebellion in me. And so I had that part of me, too, where I'm like, I'm what? I'm gonna run around and act crazy? I'm not gonna let you tell me what to do.
Oriana Broderick [00:22:43]:
And that did not translate well when I was with my grandma and grandpa, because that's not. That was not what you did, like I said, especially as a little girl. And so we'd go to church, and I was the loudest one in church. I was always out of my seat. I was always doing all sorts of things. I mean, I didn't even want to wear a dress to church. So I rebelled so much that for an entire month, I would come home from church and I'd go outside and play and purposely ruin my dress until my grandma finally gave in and stopped making me wear a dress because I didn't want to wear a dress. So it's, you know, sometimes we get to that place with our, you know, I don't see you and I don't hear you parent, where they're finally like, okay, fine, I see you, and I hear you just do it, and sometimes you don't.
Oriana Broderick [00:23:27]:
And that creates a space for children that they believe they have to act in bigger ways. You know, sometimes that shows up, and, you know, we'll get into these child archetypes, but that shows up as the overachiever. You know, I'm doing and doing and doing, and I'm really successful, and I get really good grades, and I'm the best at everything. And you're still not being seen and heard, and so you keep pushing and pushing and pushing, and your nervous system gets further and further and further dysregulated, which what I have seen in people with those types of stories is generally, like, a very significant autoimmune disease or maybe something that is, like, rare, this rare disease that nobody's really heard of or that's new or something like that, because they've pushed their body to these degrees to try to be seen and heard by this parent that is actually not capable because that's where their wound sits, is in that place. And I think that your example of how society shows up for us as well continues to validate that part of us. And I think that that holds true for that participant that asked, isn't this just who we are? And society continues to validate that for us because of how it is, how it's seen, how we are seen in that wounded place. We have that mask of programming put on, and we show up and we react in a way that is almost like we're pulling that into us. Like, it solidifies the fact that I'm allowed to act this way and this is just who I am, whatever that is.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:25:09]:
Yeah. So for those of you watching the video, you're seeing me look over, scribbling notes as you're talking. There's, like, so many. So many points here. And one of the things you have in the notes that you send me about these archetypes is like, I don't want to see you. I don't want to hear you. It's basically like, you have no needs. You should have no needs outside of food and shelter.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:25:30]:
You know, like, you get those met, you are happy, you are quiet, right? Like, that's kind of the, like, takeaway from that, that dynamic, because what is being seen and heard, it's. I mean, it's like existing. It's like being a person, right? And it's like showing up in the world. And you had mentioned how there's that rebellion aspect, how then kids can get bigger and louder. And I think that is one way that we learn to get to be seen. Right? It's like you're trying to suppress me and make me quiet. I'm going to get even bigger because as we know, even negative attention is still attention. It's better than nothing in some kids, right? The other side of that, obviously, is becoming very quiet and invisible.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:26:12]:
And I know I certainly. That was my response. Like, I became the, like, um, kind of the more like, internal person where I held things in. I and my parents were not necessarily like this, but I still had this, like, internalization where I didn't want to be seen or heard because of things happening in my environment. So I think that's another interesting way to think about it. Like, if you. If you as a child don't want to bring attention to yourself, like, you kind of inhabit that. That way of being in the world kind of innately.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:26:43]:
And I think of all that energy. Like, think about all the energy that comes out of a kid, right? Like, we're talking about, like, the talking and the moving around and the yelling. Like, when we instead turn that inside. To me, that's where a lot of, like you were saying, autoimmune conditions come from, or just inflammation or, you know, it's turning all that energy into the body, and especially that, like, louder, sometimes angrier energy, that rebellion energy, you know, like, what is autoimmunity if not the nerve, the immune system rebelling against your body, right? It's like this hot, angry process of attacking yourself. And so that's, you know, that's a lot of my own work and what I found in my own condition. But there's, you know, that energy either gets bigger, you know, to bring that to get your needs met. And again, it's like, well, better than nothing. At least they're talking to me now.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:27:33]:
Or it's this, like, total shutting down and turning within. Either way, you're still not getting that core need met, because it's, you know, you're getting something. Something is happening, something is shifting, but it's not being met in this authentic, loving, and safe way. And so the message is the same, which is who you are is not okay. You know, you have to act in these aberrant ways that are not in alignment with who you really are in order to get this need met or in order to be safe. And you kind of alluded to this earlier, and I just want to circle back and reiterate, these conversations are not about blaming our parents or, you know, like, I don't know, just being, like, harsh on our parents. And you hear this a lot when people talk about childhood trauma, everyone, for the most part, is doing their best, right? Everyone is just sort of a product of the environment in which they grew up. And to kind of link that to what you were saying, like, that idea of, like, this is just who we are.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:28:30]:
This is how life is. I think a lot of this work is uncomfortable because we're fighting against these automatic programs that are very comfortable. Because to us, what is comfortable is what's familiar. And so even though it might suck to get yelled at for, I don't know, like, standing up in a booth at a restaurant, there's still this just like, well, that's just how life is. That's just, you know, that's what we do. That's how we are. So when we start to explore, like, well, maybe it's not. Maybe that's not really who we are or how it has to be.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:29:03]:
And it, you know, it doesn't have to be how we show up in the world, it gets uncomfortable because we're starting to break out of these familiar cycles and patterns that have just been perpetuated for generation after generation after generation. And we talked about this before we recorded, too. Like, this is what we mean when we talk about breaking generational trauma. We're breaking these cycles of saying, well, just because it's how we've always been doesn't mean it's how we have to be. And it doesn't mean it's good for us. You know, it's like, you know, just because, like, everyone drinks alcohol and whatever does this or does that, like, doesn't mean it's good for us, right? It just means that that's what we do. And so it's kind of pausing this narrative or throwing a. Like a cog into the wheel and stopping it and being like, maybe we could do it differently in a way that's more in alignment and more healthy and more life giving versus life suppressing and controlling.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:29:55]:
And, you know, this kind of, like. Like, domination, you know, like culture we live in where the parent is the boss and where this person's the boss, and everyone has to be obedient. So. So, okay, let's segue into the stage parent. And you were talking about this on a personal level before we recorded, so I'll let you take it away with that archetype.
Oriana Broderick [00:30:15]:
Yeah. So the stage parent is basically a parent who vicariously lives through their child. They want to mold and shape them in a way that comes from their perception of what is going to be successful in the world or what they. How they will get their needs best met. And myself, I was a stage parent. That is how my wounds as a child that I didn't necessarily understand, that I had much less healed, came out as I parented, was, how can I make my son the most successful? But it was based off of the way that I grew up and based off of my perceptions of the world. And what I learned throughout being a parent is it's not about being in charge of your children in that way. It's about guiding your children in the way that best suits them.
Oriana Broderick [00:31:11]:
And in order to do that, we have to step out of these wounds. We have to, like you said, throw that cog in that wheel and stop it and say, okay, what actually, how am I showing up? And how can I actually show up in a better and different way based off of the needs of my child versus trying to get my needs met through my child, basically. And so this idea of stage parent for me and how it showed up in my personal life was I watched not only how my parents behaved with me, but with my brother. And my brother was, we were very, very different. My brother was the underachiever. He was the one that was always in trouble and doing all sorts of things. And then he was trying to get his needs met through misbehaving, watching those dynamics play out in my parents through him, and then me becoming the overachiever through this, you know, dynamic of having four different parents showed up in my son of, I don't want you to be that way. I don't want you to not show up and not do well and not live to your potential.
Oriana Broderick [00:32:21]:
So I was constantly pushing him and everything that he did, I didn't. When I was doing it, I didn't realize that I was doing it from that place. I really, truly believed that I was doing it from a loving place of a parent being able to see how smart and how amazing their child was and not letting that slip by them, because for whatever reason, I believed he couldn't see it in himself. And I think innately they do. I think they just. They know who they are. We believe that they don't. And so we start changing them unknowingly based off of our own stuff versus just letting them play out who they are, because, like I said, innately, they know from.
Oriana Broderick [00:33:03]:
From the time they're born. And so as a result of pushing him, I pushed him in school. He was very, very smart. They wanted to put him in gifted and talented classes in second grade, and I ended up not doing that for him because I wanted him to also have the social aspect of school. But I still pushed him really hard. And he played sports. I pushed him really hard. I pushed him to be the best, to practice harder, to try harder, all of those things.
Oriana Broderick [00:33:33]:
He did really well. He did really well up until high school. And then high school was when he started to show to me his own child archetype, which was the underachiever. Now I'm going to start pulling back and being invisible and not doing as well because he was afraid to fail because of where I made him believe he had to be, to be loved by me, to be worthy of my love. And so that created a really, really difficult dynamic between us because it was like, to me, felt like rebellion. But there was also, we were unable to communicate anymore because I couldn't. At that point, it was like almost this intuitive rebellion that was coming from within him to me, that I was no longer able to push him. I couldn't convince him to get good grades and to go to class.
Oriana Broderick [00:34:29]:
I just couldn't anymore. It wasn't like when he was younger. And so it was almost like this natural way that his body was telling me no more by him, just not like he just wouldn't engage with me. He would just walk away or whatever. And now, as an adult, as he works through his own stuff, I can see that he's starting to realize that that actually doesn't serve him. If I had to do it over again, I would say, don't put your kids in such a box so young so that they can learn who they are when they're little and they don't have to start trying to learn who they are in their twenties. Because I know that that's like a typical societal thing that we kind of make okay, that you go out and you find yourself in your twenties when I think we can be so much more whole as humans and as a society if we can be allowed to be ourselves right away in life and not be programmed into these boxes based off of our parents wounds, based off of our own wounds, if we're parents.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:35:40]:
Hi everyone. Doctor Aaron here. So by now you're starting to get an idea of some of what the sacred illness paradigm is all about. The sacred illness paradigm is all about this question of what is your illness inviting you to become. What is it that lies within each of us that allows some of us to acquire so called spontaneous healing or remissions? And what is the key to unlocking that innate self healing capacity in each and every one of us? The sacred illness blueprint is something that I developed as a guide to help you walk through this process step by step to learn how to move deeper and deeper within yourself, to find these layers of dysregulation, of trauma, of limiting beliefs of things that you're holding within your system that are keeping you small, stuck and sick? Ultimately, if we ignore the mind body connection and are not exploring the ways in which our nervous system continues to be dysregulated or in a chronic state of activation and stress, any healing modality that we put into our body from the outside in is going to be less effective, if not effective at all.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:36:42]:
So if you are currently feeling stuck.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:36:44]:
Lost, controlled, confused, or disillusioned in your healing journey, feeling like you have tried so many things, you have tried so many modalities, you have worked with so many providers, and you're just not seeing the results you want, know that this is normal. And of course, you're not. Because this foundational mind body connection is often, if not always, missed in all of these modalities. And just like we can't build a house on top of sand, our healing cannot grow and block, blossom and be strong and successful if the foundation is not laid first. So rather than doing something different, but similar to everything you have tried before and expecting different results, I encourage you to consider doing something different altogether. This is where I invite you to explore the sacred illness group coaching program. This is a low cost monthly membership option that I have created. It's constantly open, constantly enrolling, where you can begin to explore this completely different way of engaging in your health, in your body, in your illness, and in your healing process.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:37:43]:
What is provided inside this group coaching program is the blueprint that lays the foundation and lays the path out for.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:37:49]:
You to follow, to begin to explore.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:37:50]:
These deeper aspects of health, to truly get at the root of what is causing your illness, and from there, allowing all other modalities to blossom so that you can actually start to see the changes and the healing take place. Your body that you have been expecting and wanting all along. If you're ready and want to learn more, head on over to aurorasomatic.com.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:38:10]:
And at the top of the screen.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:38:11]:
Click on group coaching where you can read all about it and become a member today. I can't wait to see you on the inside. And for now, let's get back to the podcast.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:38:23]:
It's one thing to be told, this is who you are and this is what you should do, and it's a another thing to come into that on our own. So that, I mean, that's the difference between authenticity and inauthenticity, right? If it's like being in a play, oh, you are the king. And so here is your costume and here is the, here are your lines and here's how you behave. We can do that. You know, we can. Kids are great at mimicking and that's how they learn. You know, the mannerisms my son has or the words he uses were like, oh, you know, better be mindful of that, because he's just mirroring it, right? Like he's reflecting it back and kind of figuring out how to express himself through watching us.
Oriana Broderick [00:38:58]:
You're right.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:38:58]:
We do see in our kids this in my son Felix, we're like, oh my gosh, he's so good at putting things together and taking things apart, and he's so curious about mechanics and, you know, and all these kinds of things. And so, you know, it's it's one thing to, like, get them toys or things to kind of pull out those natural talents and, you know, things that they are drawn to, it's another thing entirely. If we were like, okay, he's going to, like, mechanic school right now, whatever that would be for a three year old and never going to see art or whatever, because, like, this is who he is, right. And we're really going to push that because then it's basically we're locking him into a role and we're pushing, you know, we're pushing that certain aspect and instead of him, I mean, first of all, it could change, right? That's probably a normal thing for a lot of kids to go through, and then it might change and it might adapt. Right? But if we start pushing certain things, then not only did they not get to come into it in their own right and build that confidence in their own right and own it, like, this is who I am. If they aren't coming into that on their own and they're not allowed to, like, naturally evolve through the different, you know, like, the ways in which that might take him to something else and something else. Right. Then, yeah.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:40:07]:
Then we're forcing them into a role, which I think is the stage parent is perfect because I guess maybe that's why I was talking about being in a play, right. It's like putting them on a stage. Like, this is the role you play. This is who you are. And. And as you said, it's always coming from love. We do that because we love our children. I mean, again, not always, but most of the time it's coming from a place of, I want the best for you.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:40:28]:
And this based on my own programming and who I am is how I think I'm going to give that to you. And so I think ultimately, at the end of the day, who we are as parents and who our kids are in response to that parenting, it's always about getting needs met. Like, I need my child to survive and to succeed and to be happy and this and that. And this is the best way I know how to do that. And then our kid is interpreting that and behaving in response, like, okay, so in order to get this need met, I become this person in response to this. So it's this constant ping pong dynamic that's happening. And it's not always bad. You know, we can certainly parent our children in ways that do actually allow for their authentic stuff to flourish.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:41:12]:
You were saying with your son initially, he was becoming like, he was kind of stepping into this really capable human that he is, he is a capable person. But because of the way in which he, again, associated that with failure and making you proud, it got to a place where he authentically could not keep it up. He couldn't maintain it on his own, right, because of the need that was linked to it. That was too much of a loss if he messed up, you know? And I think that's. We see that a lot. We can sustain certain behaviors for a certain time. I certainly see this in myself, holding a certain archetype or Persona for a certain amount of time through my life. And then you get to this breaking point where you're like, I can't be this way anymore.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:41:52]:
And then you swing to the other side or, you know, you burn bridges, or there can be this kind of big swing in the other direction. But, yeah, I think that the. The reaction we have to, again, how our parents are parenting us can be really interesting, and I think also can hint at some of our authentic self trying to come through when we become that rebellion kid or when we, you know, get really quiet or when, you know, whatever. However that manifests, however we're reacting, there can be an element of our natural, authentic self in there, but it's getting tarnished. But I see that a lot in myself, how my reactions to my. The parenting I received, there were elements of me in there, like my authentic self was finding a way to show up, but, like, through a filter, you know? So it's like, this is my. These are some of my natural gifts, but I'm adjusting them or quieting them down to meet the way in which you are telling me I need to show up in the world. And I don't know that that happens across the board, but I see that with what you're talking about with your son and how he's kind of finding his way back to that innate self that you saw, but now he's finding it on his own terms, which is, you know, the journey back to self.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:42:58]:
Yeah. So on that note, the no boundaries parent, as I think I have a lot of experience with. But, yeah, what can you tell us about that?
Oriana Broderick [00:43:07]:
So, I think the no boundary parent is the parent who doesn't understand that their children intrinsically knows boundaries. I mean, we see it all the time, especially in little, little children, where, you know, they hide behind their parents when there's people around or they say no in situations that maybe you don't want them to say no, but they know what their boundaries are in that sense. And as the no boundaries parent, they watch that parent not have boundaries or watch them continuously cross the chill the child themselves boundaries. And then it becomes now a child that doesn't know how to hold boundaries anymore because they don't understand. It's almost. They stop trusting themselves. They stop trusting that intuition. They stop feeling like boundaries are something that we're supposed to do.
Oriana Broderick [00:43:53]:
We're always supposed to have those open. And that's what that type of parent does, is they always have it open so somebody can just come in and do whatever they want, and they're like, okay, well, I'm here for it. Because they don't know how to create boundaries. Chances are that particular parent archetype had a parent that also didn't have boundaries. I experienced that growing up. That was one of my parents was one, was a no boundary parent, and I was a very shy child, and he would always. My dad would always push me to go talk, you know, whatever. It was like we were at a place, and I remember being a little girl, and he's like, you go up there and order your food.
Oriana Broderick [00:44:33]:
And I was absolutely terrified, and I was crying, and I did not want to do it. And he forced me. He said, nope, you, if you want food, you have to go up there and order it. And so, of course I did because I wanted food. But there were, you know, I can give you hundreds of examples of when that happened. While I was growing up and as an adult, I, as the overachiever, I had no boundaries. I did and did and did and did and did for everybody. I was a mixture of, like, the overachiever and the caretaker, which will make more sense when we get into that.
Oriana Broderick [00:45:05]:
But those two things existed together. And so I would just do and do and do and never meet my own needs. And a lot of times that would turn into this explosive aggression or anger that didn't make any sense for the situation because I was exhausted and I was depleted, and I didn't know how to admit that to myself or to be like, enough, I can't do this anymore. What happens when we're taught to not have boundaries is we're constantly putting ourselves in situations that don't feel good. And I think that that's when I think about my own health issues, and I've tied those things together. It makes sense, like, the health issues that I have and those things not having any boundaries, being the overachiever, being the caretaker, of course I am. Part of my health journey is being completely exhausted all the time and started off with me not being able to get out of bed. Of course.
Oriana Broderick [00:45:59]:
Of course that happened because my body was like, we're actually done and you're not going to listen. So now I'm going to just do it. And you have to deal with it. And that's what makes it hard, because I identified with that. So identifying with those archetypes and not having boundaries, having then that piece of an illness come in and be so significant. I was like, my life is over because I have no worth now. Because I can't do anything for anybody.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:46:26]:
Yes. Yeah. That's huge. Because I think that's a. That's a big part we haven't even mentioned is how we tie our worth to the ways in which we get our needs met. Like, the things that get us what we need are what make us worthy. Like, when I show up in this way, when I behave in this way, I get my needs met. So that's what my worth is built upon.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:46:46]:
And, like, that's how I'm enough. That's how I get love. So, like, we start to have this unhealthy identity around my worth is contingent upon me showing up in this way. Because then I get, like, paid, quote unquote, with food or attention or whatever, right? Like, there's this equivalence of worth and, like, what we get in response to it. And the more. More needs that we're given, the more worthy we are. And so I think that's a really important distinction of, like, of how that can get all convoluted. Right.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:47:13]:
And how we get away from the reality that we are innately just worthy of love and food and shelter and appreciation and, like, being who we are. Like, I know that's a hard concept for a lot of us to believe and to accept because we are, most of us, in some way, shape or form, removed from our innate worthiness and instead have linkages to. No, my worth is based on this because that's what got me my needs met. And my needs are, you know, have inherent value because I need them to survive. And so that's, you know, it gets all messed up. One of the things you said. So, yeah, there's no boundaries thing, I think is huge because it is. There's like, so many ways in which this can show up.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:47:54]:
And I have seen exactly what you have said in so many of my one on one clients where when we are raised by someone who has no boundaries and it's just this, like, limitless experience, expansion of, like, you know, there's no. There's no boundary. Like, it's a lot of saying yes, a lot of people pleasing, a lot of, like, this continually doing and doing and doing, right? It's like there's no stopping. There's nowhere. There's nowhere. You draw a line and say, no, thank you. I don't want to. Whatever, right? Like, it's this always this constant pressure to continue to expand.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:48:26]:
And I have seen the reaction in my patients and my clients as what you said, like, this complete shutting down. And mentally, emotionally, that is depression, right? Like, that can show up as a depressive spell or, you know, what we think of as clinical depression, where the body is essentially saying, like, nope, no, more like, if you're not going to set the boundary, then I'm going to set it for you. I mean, that's Gabor mate's book. When the body says no, right? Like, that's a very, very big way. Our body says no by basically debilitating us. Whether it's like, weakness or pain or depression, right? Like, that mental block of, like, you are not getting up. No, here's the boundary. I'm done.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:49:06]:
So I think it's. It's fascinating, too, when I do this work with people, how there is this really kind of straightforward connection between how we've been programmed to show up in the world and how that is, you know, essentially betraying and abandoning our authenticity and how that then manifests physically. Like, there's such interesting overlap with that. I was thinking about my own parenting, my. The parenting I received, and how this is absolutely an element of the parenting I received. There was one parent that had no boundaries, and then there was another parent who had, like, it was. There was like, a combination of, like, the reality denying parent, the stage parent, the appearance, like, kind of all the other ones combined into one. But it was a lot of, like.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:49:51]:
Like, limitations of this is who you are, and this is how you show up. And then it was like the other parent being like, oh, there's no limitation. You know, whatever you want, I'll say yes to everything you need and want. And so there. It was a big conflict there. But I think that also shows how parents can have multiple archetypes, right? Like, they don't. It's not just like this parent is this. This parent is that.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:50:12]:
Like, they can manifest and show up in a lot of ways. And sometimes it can be contradictory. Like, sometimes there's no boundaries, and then sometimes there's a lot of strictness. And that can be very, very confusing, too. I think, for me, the way the no boundaries piece really wounded me is that it really prevented me from developing a really core sense of self. Right? Because it was just like, again, it was just that saying yes to everything, always trying to show up in a certain way. Like there's no limitations. It's really hard to know who you are when you're just constantly moving in a certain direction and expanding and not listening to what your innate self is saying.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:50:52]:
You know, what it's wanting and what it's needing. Because essentially, that's what boundaries are, right? It's responding to your body, to your mind, to the sensations that you're feeling, to the needs that you have. And it's saying, this is okay, it's in alignment. This is not. And so I think the no boundaries particularly, is particularly wounding to having a core sense of self for that reason, because it's not allowing you to find the edge of any of those aspects of self. Like, there is no self. You are just whoever and whatever, you know, it's like a balloon that just keeps blowing up. It's like, where is this balloon going? Or what does it look like? We don't know because it just keeps going.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:51:28]:
Again, terrible before, but there you have it. So then the next one we have on the list is the appearance parent. Yeah, let's talk about this one, because this one rings true for me too.
Oriana Broderick [00:51:41]:
Yeah, this one does for me too. I had this parent. My mom was this parent and her mom was this parent. So that this is one of those ones where you can see how, I mean, looking back on it, I can see how. But in that moment when they were happening, even as a child, I could see how it went from my grandma to my mom to me. And potentially for my grandma's mom, I don't, I didn't know her, but in pictures, she was very, like, well put together. And everything was like, just so and so, I'm sure was handed down from generations. But it's basically a parent who ties everything you're worth, the way that people see you, the way that people are going to treat you, to your outward appearance.
Oriana Broderick [00:52:23]:
And for me, it was so significant. I mean, my grandma even said when we were growing up, like, you never leave the house without being dressed, without combing your hair. You know? And there was so many different aspects to that. Like, it wasn't just being dressed and combing your hair, but to smell a certain way and to make sure that your skin looked a certain way. And all of these things that she had put in place were being exhibited by my mom, who was like a real life Barbie doll. She was gorgeous, and everybody would just, you know, fond to her because she was this really gorgeous woman. And then there's me, who looks absolutely nothing like my mom. Like, my mom was literally Barbie.
Oriana Broderick [00:53:09]:
She was blonde hair, blue eyes, so I look nothing like my mom. And so watching these two women play out this dynamic, I started off very young believing that I was not pretty, and I was not. I was never going to be worthy of love, and nobody was ever going to treat me well because I could not live up to that at all. And so it played out a lot in my life of not. Of very low self worth, very low self confidence. And it then manifested when I started on my healing journey, my physical healing journey of having acne, that coming out while I was going through this so significantly, just tied back to that of, now I'm absolutely not worthy, right? Like, now I can't do anything for anybody, and I'm hideous. So it was like, you know, these two things that were like, you have to look at us and you have to heal this part of you because this is the only way that we're going to be able to move in our life authentically, because you are not these things that these people put out there for you. Your worth is not tied to these things.
Oriana Broderick [00:54:18]:
So it's like my body was telling me those things through this programming that I had received and through all of this work and work with you and doing this work with you is how I have listened to those messages, is understanding this part of me being honest about it, because it's difficult to be honest and say, I have very low self confidence issues. How can I work on them? And empower yourself from a place, because it's easy to point outwards. I could just say, well, it's my parents fault because they were the worst, and then nothing gets fixed. Or I can say, how am I going to do this for myself? And why?
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:54:58]:
Yeah. And talk about another reason to want to disappear or shut down. I mean, in acne, it's so interesting, the people I work with, with acne, too, there's something really about. It's such a visual thing, like, especially when it's on your face, right? You. You can't completely cover your face all the time. And I had a patient who had really bad acne, and we did, you know, that we did everything for workup. We did all of the tests, all of the, you know, this is back when I was practicing more traditional naturopathic medicine. Everything was normal.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:55:25]:
Everything was fine. Everything we did to treat it was like, eh, what, you know? And so that's what, you know, that is my prime candidate for, like, okay, what's the mind body connection? Because we've done all the foundational physical stuff. We've gone into the more depth, the lab testing and stuff that naturopathic doctors can sometimes get into. We're coming up with nothing when there's just nothing coming up on the physical plane. We have to look at that mind body piece. You know, my argument is we should, no matter what. But he was, like, super happy when COVID happened because he could wear a mask, and that was covering up half of his face. But his shame around his appearance was so big that he literally did not look at himself in the mirror.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:56:07]:
And this is a handsome young man who just is starting college. He was finishing up his high school career and very well liked, very loved human being. Really sweet kid. And he could not look at himself in the mirror because he was so shamed by his appearance. And when we started to get into it, there was a lot of that connection of. Between worth and how he looked, you know, and it's such a hard. It's such an interesting way that, like, you're saying, like, you know, and if we had this mentality, I think it would be so much more helpful for us right from the get go of, like, my body is trying to get me to look at this pattern of not authentically showing up in the world and, you know, putting on a mask or behaving in a way that is not in alignment with myself. And especially when there's that heavy duty focus on appearance, you know, it's forcing.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:56:58]:
Again, it's kind of like there's some overlap with the stage thing there where you're, like, putting on a certain way of showing up in the world and you're dressing a certain way, and you're, you know, like, there's this, like, perfectionism to it that is just not really authentic. A lot of the time, some people love to dress up and put on makeup and wear certain nice clothes. Like, that's. It's different when it's coming from this place of, like, I love this and I feel good about this, and it's reflecting my personality versus, like, my worth is contingent upon looking a certain way. And if I don't, I feel an immense amount of shame, you know, when my worth goes downhill. And so, again, it's like the body trying to get you to tune in. And what a, you know, strong way to get you to really look at yourself, no pun intended, than to put it right on your face, you know, and again, that's not going to be the root of everyone's acne because the manifestation of symptoms is always going to be different. But there can be some really similar themes between person to person.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:57:54]:
And the other thing I want to say about this one in particular, as I had mentioned, this one is familiar to me, but not for myself. And this is an important distinction, is that we can adapt our behaviors based on either what we experience directly or, and. Or what we witness. And so I was, I have an older sibling, and she used to dress in, like, for, to say it, mild, mildly, like, eclectic ways. Like, she went through a lot of phases and she was very expressive with her appearance and, you know, dressing in certain ways. She got a lot of slack for that. Like, she got in trouble a lot of the times and sometimes had, you know, a lot of, a lot of negativity coming her way. And that, to me, imprinted.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:58:37]:
It became clear to me that there's some, there's some parameters about how you show up in the world, basically, like, you have to look normal, I think, you know, whatever that means, right? Like, that was the message I received, was look normal. And I feel like to this day I am, like, bored with the way that I dress and the way that I show up in the world a lot of the time because I feel like I'm just kind of this leggings and shirt kind of like, you know, there's no creativity. And I don't think that's necessarily who I am anyway. I don't really necessarily care about that sort of thing. But I wonder if I had felt freedom in being more expressive with my appearance based on what I had witnessed with my sibling, would that be different? I don't know. And then the last parent could be part of all of these other archetypes, but is also definitely its own category, which is the dysregulated parent. What do you have to say about that one?
Oriana Broderick [00:59:26]:
So just, I mean, basically it's a parent who can't regulate their emotions. They don't have an emotional intelligence. So if, let's say your parent got upset for some reason, rather than being able to express, I'm upset right now, I need a break or whatever, they explode and have this really big reaction. And it kind of is what I like to call bleeding on just the people around you is you have a wound, which is what these archetypes come from. And when you don't completely heal your wound, you're always going to have some bleeding. And so when the wound becomes significant and shows up significantly in your life through emotions, you have these big explosions that certainly don't make sense to the children around you, much less the adults. And it's like you're bleeding onto them. You're projecting all of these emotions because you don't understand them.
Oriana Broderick [01:00:23]:
You can't regulate them in any way from a place of, okay, being able to even come in to say, I am upset, how can I work through this? And sometimes you can't, right? And you're just going to be upset, but can, then can you come back and say, I'm sorry, I was upset. This is, you know, and communicate about it. They're with the dysregulated parent. There's none of that. They just behave a certain way and then it's almost like they sweep everything under the rug and go on with their lives. And those are oftentimes parents who have substance abuse issues with alcohol and drugs and you know, all those things, right? I had one of those parents, too. My, both of my parents were actually fell in that dysregulated category. My dad, we called him a functional alcoholic because he could work.
Oriana Broderick [01:01:08]:
My mom was on the more extreme side of that. When she started to really get into her addiction, she could and she couldn't work. A lot of times she couldn't even get out of bed during the day. And so I saw both sides of that. And, you know, so it was like I was constantly, this was all constantly being reinforced in my life of, this is just how parents are. They're just crazy and we just do crazy stuff. And so it was, you know, it gives me the opportunity to say that, to express that this is the place where we can show ourselves grace because it was constantly being reinforced in our lives. And it's not, like you said before, a blame game or anything like that.
Oriana Broderick [01:01:46]:
It is something that is significant and deep rooted. And that's why this work, I feel like, is revolutionary and a really great space to start to move into because we can move away from this and start parenting and healing ourselves in a way that, you know, we're moving authentically in this life. To me, I think about, think about the experiences that you can have when you're moving authentically in the light in life. You don't have to show up a certain way. You don't have to go to a group function or even to the grocery store and be dressed a certain way or act a certain way or any of that. You just get to show up as you and be present in whatever it is that you're doing. Like, that changes. That changes your whole life, changes your whole experience.
Oriana Broderick [01:02:32]:
And if, you know, from a more spiritual place, if that's part of why we're here, is to experience, then why not want to experience it as your most authentic self?
Dr. Erin Hayford [01:02:43]:
Amen. 100% agreed. Yeah. And this idea of, like, getting back to the authentic self and especially. Yeah, I mean, I think there's. There's ideas, too, around, like, we choose our parents, right? Or, you know, people say we, like, we choose our parents before we come into this world. And the ways in which they behave and the ways in which they treat us are part of how we get pushed to finding our authentic self. So it's almost this interesting, you know, part of what I wonder about the authentic self is.
Dr. Erin Hayford [01:03:15]:
And, like, finding that authentic self is like, it's almost like we're supposed to get away from it, you know? And part of how we really step into our purpose is by going through the challenges that we faced and the layers we put on that are inauthentic and that, like, make us not feel good and make us not feel healthy and, you know, that can actually cause disease and, you know, at the very least, just make us feel dissatisfied. I think that's kind of the cornerstone of not being in your authenticity, is a lack of satisfaction. Right? Because you're chronically finding yourself kind of, like, in situations that aren't really exciting or don't feel good or, like, in toxic relationships or just, you know, not, like, the most exciting relationships that you've. You think you could have or wish you could have. You might be in a job that's like, you know, a mindless nine to five. You're punching in, punching out, like, right. Like, we can just. We go because of our, first of all, our lack of alignment with who we really are and what we really want, but also that, like, feeling that we can have what we really want and we can have a good life.
Dr. Erin Hayford [01:04:19]:
Because oftentimes we. That gets taken from us too. This, again, our. Our innate worth tells us, like, you get to have the life you want, you get to be happy, you get to be healthy. You get to pursue the things you dream of. When we don't have that, when that's taken from us, we subscribe to what we were saying earlier of, like, this is just how life is. This is just who I am. You know, everyone does it.
Dr. Erin Hayford [01:04:40]:
That's it. And so I believe, you know, as we're talking, it really seems clear that the purpose of having these experiences is to get us to get back to that authentic self, because first of all, no one's perfect. And there's not going to ever be a perfect childhood where every condition is met, where that authentic self just stays the course. I think certainly some paths are straighter than others. Right? Like some people have more of that alignment that stays in place from childhood. And I believe also that that's going to get better and better. And I don't know, maybe this is what every generation says, but it, it seems like we're getting a better understanding of all of this stuff, right? And so that's leading to more awareness amongst parents and different parenting techniques and philosophies that are coming out that are much more in alignment with cultivating and keeping that authentic spirit alive. Regardless, we are always going to bump into things that take us off track.
Dr. Erin Hayford [01:05:35]:
And the way back onto that track is always going to be through discomfort, whether that is emotional, spiritual, physical or mental, emotional or beyond. Discomfort is always going to be that sign of you are off track and you need to get back on track. And so that's the healing journey. And that is the, that is, you know, the finding yourself journey that can help you not only live the life that you are here to live and that you innately deserve and are worthy of, but also is the path to healing. Yeah. So the dysregulated parent, the one, the one of the major things I see show up in that, especially if the parents dysregulation is unpredictable, you never know what's going to set them off if it's inconsistent. Like sometimes this pisses them off and sometimes it does. That can be.
Dr. Erin Hayford [01:06:21]:
I mean, I actually heard on the radio today this research that came out around. The most distressing thing to our nervous systems is the unexpected, the unknown, which we know in the work we do because we talk about fear and how peeling back these layers is in some way sort of triggering that unknown space. Because we're moving into a person in a place we've never been before, but on the more detrimental side, not knowing what to expect from a parent in terms of their behavior, their reaction, what's going to make them angry like that is. That's incredibly distressing. And it keeps you on edge all the time. It's that feeling of waiting for the shoe to drop. Nothing good lasts. Bad things always happen because at some point my parent is going to.
Dr. Erin Hayford [01:07:03]:
Something's going to set them off, they're going to react. Sometimes we know what they're going to do, sometimes we don't. And so it's just this constant, like, bracing for impact. Right? And I see that a lot in chronic illness patients, particularly those who have chronic pain syndromes, because what is, you know, chronic pain, if not like, a constant tension in the muscles or the joints or just the body in general, it's this, like, waiting. Like your body is physically waiting to fight or flight because of that response that's coming out. And it can lead to even self sabotaging behaviors also, because a lot of us just want to get it over with, right? And I see that in myself not as much anymore, because I've become very aware of this dynamic and the patterns and how it plays out in me. But there has been this pattern of things are going really well. How can I mess it up? Like, how can I get it over with? Because I just know it's going to end, right? And that showed up a lot in relationships.
Dr. Erin Hayford [01:07:57]:
Some of the healthiest relationships I was in, I would somehow mess it up because I just was so anxious about it's gonna happen. So, like, at least I can have some semblance of control by being the one to end it, you know? And I'm sure that's familiar to a lot of us, and it's not always relationships, but it can be a lot of ways that that dynamic can show up. And so, again, you know, not knowing what to expect is very distressing to our nervous system. And so we, again, try to find safety, try to get our needs met by bringing in some form of control, which can be us introducing that shoe dropping. Like, well, if the shoe is not going to drop organically, I'm going to do it myself, and then at least I can rest. It's not the healthiest situation, but at least it's over with. So that's a wrap on the parent archetypes that were shared in the book by Nicole Lapera. And so, again, the name of that book is how to do the work.
Dr. Erin Hayford [01:08:55]:
And I'm sure a lot of you know her, she's the holistic psychologist on, yeah, Instagram. She's super popular and in a lot of ways, has popularized and spread awareness of these dynamics, which is wonderful, because, again, awareness is how we start to break the cycle. So as a way to think about these parent archetypes, again, awareness is how we start to heal. And so, reflecting on your own childhood, hearing about these archetypes, we encourage you to start thinking about how, you know, how did my parents show up knowing they did their best, even if their best was not good at all? That still in some way, shape or form was the best that they could do. And so looking at those archetypes, how they showed up in the world, how those manifest in your life, and starting to get curious about how might I have responded to that? Because I think even without us even going into those child archetypes which we're going to in the next episode, you can start to like, we've been talking like, you can start to see like, oh yeah, because of that, this is how I responded. And these are the behaviors and the ways in which I am showing up in the world now as a result of that. So stay tuned for part two of this mini series. And Orianna has a quote to share with us, so that kind of helps to wrap up this first part of our episode today.
Oriana Broderick [01:10:10]:
So this quote is from Charles Micy and the quote is the longer you betray your authentic self, the more you believe the mask is who you are. So in my opinion, this is an invitation life to lean into that discomfort, lean into the idea that change is possible and that your authentic self is somewhere outside of these programming and outside of these feelings that kind of make you feel small and not moving in the world the way that you want to.
Dr. Erin Hayford [01:10:43]:
Thanks so much for tuning in to another episode of the Sacred Illness. This podcast. If you find this information shared here, inspirational and educational, please share it with those you think would benefit from this work. To take this work deeper yourself, check out our website, www.aurorasomatic.com, where you can explore our coaching community and course options. And don't forget to subscribe to this channel where new content is coming out all the time, intended to inspire, awaken, and help you deepen your relationship with yourself, your life, and your world. We'll see you next time.
