Dr. Erin Hayford [00:00:00]:
The more that I was, like, grateful for the fact that my body could, like, communicate to me this, the less it felt like, this burden. And also just the experience that I've had from having the experience brought me back to myself. And it really made me start prioritizing, like, my wellness, mental, physical, spiritual in a way that I don't know if I ever have.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:00:29]:
So the big question is, we know spontaneous remissions and so called miracle cures exist. We also know they aren't so spontaneous after all. I'm living proof of this. Having cured my quote unquote incurable illness, there's something to how this happens. So how do we as humans with chronic symptoms, tap into this so called miraculous healing capacity? That is the question, and this podcast will give you the answers. My name is Doctor Erin Hayford, and welcome to the Sacred Illness podcast. Before we begin today's episode, just my standard medical disclaimer. This podcast is intended for educational and informational purposes only.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:01:11]:
The content should not be considered a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult with a qualified healthcare professional.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:01:19]:
Regarding any medical concerns. Hi, everyone, and welcome back to another episode of the Sacred Illness podcast. Doctor Erin here flying solo. Orianna is not on the show today, but we do have our first guest who is going to be sharing her process of working with chronic pain using mind body modalities and other such healing interventions and techniques to help her find some relief in her chronic pain journey. So Kady Wilson is with us today, hailing from Washington state. And I, we connected on Instagram just through my posts and things that I talk about on Instagram. And she really resonates with the things that we do in the sacred illness world. And as we got to talking, it seemed like she'd be a really good fit to come on here and talk about her journey.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:02:05]:
So, Kady, welcome. Thank you so much for being here today. Yeah, I'm going to turn it over to you and we'll just jump right into it. If you want to share with us your story, I'd love to hear, because we've only really gotten into some of the details. So I would love to hear your story, you know, of chronic illness and or chronic pain and as much detail as you want to share. We'd love to hear from you and what you've tried, what worked, what didn't work, and what you found as you moved through this process.
Kady Wilson [00:02:32]:
So I would say I started experiencing pain approximately five, six years ago. At that time, I was definitely going through a lot of stuff in my life. At the time, being in a relationship with actually someone dealing with addiction, and it was kind of, the pain was happening so frequently that it kind of just. I didn't even really notice it at first. And then it was just, like, all of a sudden, like, it would be, like, sort of like a stomach, like, not feeling safe, just kind of, like, buckling over. And I wasn't really in a position to be able to really manage going to see a doctor. So I was just like, well, whatever it is, it will go away. I wasn't really thinking much of it.
Kady Wilson [00:03:13]:
And then it got to me probably almost, like, a year later, and I finally ended up starting to go see a doctor. And over the course of a few years, I saw a ton of doctors, and I was sort of. Each time that I would go in, it was getting harder and harder. And it got to the point where I was starting to get really dark about it because I'm also a single parent. I'm three children, and so I'm trying to kind of, like, not. I felt like I had to really, like, play the role of, like, we're good. I have this all together. But somehow I also needed to, like, access support.
Kady Wilson [00:03:46]:
And it was really, like, a difficult balance between continuing to keep trying to find, like, a diagnosis and also just being, like, well, because they were kind of trying to push, like, medicine just right off the bat. And that was actually the really big part of the journey that stood out to me is that I really did not want to medicate right off the bat, at least for sure, because it's like, okay, let's say I medicate and then, okay, so I feel better, but I didn't really figure out what's going on. So it's like, that feels like it's just not actually managing the problem, but really just making it so it's a problem for later. Medication has its place paired with action, I feel like. But for me, I just really wasn't getting, like, a direct answer about, like, what was going on. And the pain had gotten, like, so bad over time for, particularly after ending my relationship and just really starting to process a ton of stuff that I've been, like, avoiding, avoiding, avoiding for, like, a decade. The pain got just, like, really intense to the point where then I started getting a couple different injections, like, in my hip and different things. Because in such a.
Kady Wilson [00:04:52]:
I was feeling pain just, like, in such a general area of, like, hip, back, lower side of the stomach, only on the right side. And so, yeah, I had just done, like, a ton of things. And they all sort of gave. They all were helpful in their own sense, that they gave me, like, a sense of hope. Like, now it will be better or something. So it's like, almost like no matter what I did, each thing would sort of help for, like, a while because it was like, I really feel like it was like a placebo thing. Like, now it's going to be better or, like, it just gave me, like, a boost of, like, maybe a little bit better or something. And each of the experiences of even getting the injections and stuff were, like, quite traumatic in the first place.
Kady Wilson [00:05:31]:
Starting to kind of play with the idea of, like, what if I had the power to, like, remedy this, like, to make it feel. To have a different experience with this? And then I really started to kind of, like, think about it. Like, every time I was afraid of it popping up all the time, like, I was just, like, my whole life was, like, dictated by, like, everything I was doing was, like, even with my kids, I try and take them somewhere outside. It's like I started not doing stuff as much, trying to avoid being in pain. And of course, that didn't help my mental health. Like, not wanting to see friends and then even just the question of, like, how are you? Was just like, I can't stand that question. And especially to the point to, like, I just wanted to, like, isolate so much because it was just so overwhelming to have to be asked that because I just really wanted to, like, scream like, I'm not okay. But they didn't feel like there was a different choice.
Kady Wilson [00:06:22]:
So the pain was getting really bad. It got to a point where it felt like it was, like, pretty debilitating. Like, I felt like I pretty much wanted to lay down, like, all day long. And I had a couple friends. A friend say to me, like, it kind of sounds like you have depression. And I started being, like, rejecting this sentence and just being like, well, yes, I think, like, on bookmark, yes. But I'm not going to go. Like, I don't.
Kady Wilson [00:06:44]:
It doesn't feel like the right choice for me to go get an in depressants because I'm having this whole. Starting to really realize I was, like, having this experience. Experience of kind of like a ball that had been, like, pushed out under the water and now it was just, like, bursting out and all this stuff I'd been like, not now. Not now. Was finally, like, coming out. And I had really wanted that. I had wanted that, like, because I was kind of like, I don't want to keep running. Like, I'm exhausted.
Kady Wilson [00:07:08]:
So in the middle of being. In that bout of being really, like, debilitated and just, like, laying, wanting to lay down, like. And then, of course, like, not wanting people to see, like, my kids, like, owe me laying down. Like, I felt guilty or bad or, like, they're going to be, like, not doing as good because they're going to think, like, the basic structure of the house is compromised. So that was a really difficult thing. So I actually started compiling, like, a list of, like, nervous system regulation tools and put it in my notes section. Like, while I was laying down one day. It was just a list I had made because I had read that, like, checking off a list increases dopamine.
Kady Wilson [00:07:49]:
And I'm like, you know, I really like to be able to make my own dopamine instead of, like, outsourcing it. Like, maybe I could play with, like, making a list that I can actually, like, bullet, like, check off in my notes section every single day, like, because. And they were things I had, like, played around with or heard of that are, like, things that help you regulate your nervous system. So I ended up compiling, like, this full list that I would copy and paste every single day. And I did this for, like, six months. And this was a really big turning point. So I would wake up and it would start off with, like, splashing cold water on my face. And there was a series of quite a few things on there.
Kady Wilson [00:08:25]:
And I would. It mostly stayed the same, but every now and then, I would add stuff or take stuff off, but I tried not to take stuff off in the context of, like, like, I wanted to really try it and be like, does this feel, rather than just like, like, meditation was one that I took would often not get done on there for whatever reason. It's like, that one just was not something I was making time for. So I never took that one off, but I took off, like, other ones that just, like, I had tried that didn't really feel like they did much for me or I didn't feel like I wanted to. And I started doing those things, and eventually it got to a point where I had, like, created the habits and patterns of these things to the point that I didn't even really look at the paper anymore. And I feel like I probably still am doing a lot of them. I thought recently about, like, opening it up at the end of the day and just, like, seeing how many I could check off because I really created, like, a lot of structure in my schedule to, like, also to have these things be about every single day. Maybe not the weekends, but, like, weekdays.
Kady Wilson [00:09:26]:
And a lot of it's on the weekends, too, but less structured. And on that list, one of the ones was the glimmers, and that was one that I started doing a lot to kind of, like, almost update my. To kind of, like, almost update my body that maybe, you know, things have changed. So I'd be out just doing, like, a normal thing, and usually I'd be like, it would hurt the whole time, but becoming aware of, like, my unconscious loops of thoughts. So particularly, like, half of it was, like, when I was experiencing pain, I would be like, what are we feeling right now? What are we thinking? And almost always, it was really, like, a feeling of, like, I need to hurry. I should be doing this. What do I need to do? And so that was part of it. And the other part was actually kind of, like, updating my body on, like, its capability.
Kady Wilson [00:10:18]:
Like, at some point, I had gotten to a point where it's like, I barely feel like I can move without hurting, and so I don't even want to move. And so then it was kind of, like, going the opposite way where I would take, like, a walk and maybe I'd want to take, like, advil after half a mile, or I'd be hurting up the thing, and then if that didn't happen, I would actually stop, and I'd be like, hey, like, you're at the waterfall. You didn't have to take any medicine yet. And, like, kind of, like, updating my capacity, and it just, like, really expanded from there, like, the capacity of, like, what I was able to do.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:10:52]:
That's incredible. Just hearing your story in this way, you know, the first thing that really strikes me is how intuitive you are. You know, like, it just seems like you had a very good connection to your body, and maybe that's not. Not correct, but just hearing you from the get go, like, have this sense of something's going on in my body, you know, like, you not wanting to go right to meds, you not wanting to go right into suppression. Like, there was always a sense that it seems like you've had that, you know, there's something going on on a deeper level. Does that come from, like, did you grow up around that sort of, like, mindset, or how did you have that intuitive connection, I guess, or just that awareness of, you know, there's maybe something more to this, and I don't want to just jump into the medication realm?
Kady Wilson [00:11:38]:
That's a really good question. I would not say I have a background in it. I'd really say it was like, rooted in just, I don't know, something about, like, feeling like if I was going to find, like, a sustainable way to, like, feel better long term, then it had. I didn't believe that it had to come outside of me. I felt like the best way to tap in would be, like, something internal. I guess it was really in the thick of suffering and not tapping out. Like you were like we were talking about before. We had mentioned about.
Kady Wilson [00:12:08]:
Basically it was one of the first times where I felt like I finally, like, reached the peak and then didn't go back down, but was like, what if I did this and it was just like, stay with it, stay with it? Stayed with it. And it eventually did go down. It's never gone back up here. It's always stayed over here since.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:12:25]:
That's amazing. Yeah. I mean. Yeah. And I think that it's. There's a lot of things in your story that make me think of my own and that idea of just, like, having basically just being intuitive, like, having an intuitive feeling that there was something more. And I'm sure a lot of listeners can resonate with that, too. But, you know, some of us grow up with folks who are, like, in the alternative medicine world or we live, you know, somewhere where that's just common knowledge or common conversation.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:12:50]:
But, you know, I grew up in a very rural part of Maine and that is definitely not. Definitely not, though. Yeah, we'll talk about health and wellness. And, yes, I think there's just a, you know, for me, I often joke, like, maybe it was denial where I, like, refused to believe that this was going to be my life and whatever, but, yeah, you know, whatever it was, it got me. It got me there. And it sounds like for you, too, it was just like, I'm not accepting this. And it's, you know, I love what you said. There was several moments, right.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:13:17]:
You were talking about, I mean, again, just this awareness you had of how there's this kind of storyline through things of, like, not now I have to have it all together, you know, this kind of, like, pushing down and that image or that. That. Yeah, that image of the ball you spoke of, of just like, you felt like it was coming up and bursting finally, like, releasing is so powerful. Was that. At what point did that start to come into your awareness of, like. No, I think there's just so much I've held in my body and it's finally letting go. Where were you at in your journey when that started to become.
Kady Wilson [00:13:50]:
Yeah, so, right. I'd say, like, I started to get to a point where I was like, I don't want to keep disassociating because I'm literally living like a ground home today. I felt like. And so the first step really felt like it was like, stop doing the things that I'm doing that are making me feel better so I don't actually have to acknowledge how uncomfortable my reality is making me. And so that was, like, kind of, like, one of the first steps I remember, like, becoming aware of. And then I actually feel like I might have gone slightly out of my window of tolerance, kind of looking back, but I still have mixed feelings. Like, I would. I wish I would have set up a little bit more support and connection.
Kady Wilson [00:14:29]:
Not necessarily. I say I want to almost want to say a professional setting, but maybe not even necessarily maybe that, but also just really someone that maybe had walked the experience before or was similarly experiencing something. But it. It's hard to say that it was really the wrong. Like, it wasn't the right way to do it, because getting to that, like, edge is where I was able to, like, have so many breakthroughs, and I'd actually read a book where the person had quoted. When you get to the point, like, where you're like, I must have gone, I must be going crazy. Like, you know, like, I can't, like, must be going crazy, basically, or I'm not being crazy, or this is crazy. That's, like, where a lot of people stop.
Kady Wilson [00:15:10]:
And he was referencing, like, yeah, like, if you don't, like, that's where you have that thing. And I was actually, like, in the hospital with an iv in my arm and read the whole book, like, that night. And when I saw that line, it was just like, yeah, wow, okay. That's what I need to see right now.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:15:24]:
Do you remember the name of that book, by any chance?
Kady Wilson [00:15:26]:
So it's by Joseph Neweggen. I'm not exactly sure how to pronounce his name. The book is called don't believe everything you think.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:15:34]:
Okay. Yeah, I've heard of, heard of, but not have. Have not read it myself. Yeah. I mean, that. That edge is so hard, and I've seen that in myself, and I've seen that in other people, you know? And it is.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:15:45]:
It's.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:15:46]:
If that's essentially the nerve, like, just on a, you know, kind of a boring sciency perspective, it's the nervous.
Kady Wilson [00:15:51]:
I love science. Talk science all day long.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:15:54]:
Let's geek out. Yeah, we were talking about this before, too, just when we were chatting, before we started recording, like, the unknown, right? Is so scary for the nervous system. And the nervous system really likes to know, like, what's going to happen, what's the next step, what's on the other side. And it does start to create that feeling of craziness, just feeling really out of control, out of your body, out of your comfort zone when you start to move into these new territories. And it sounds like you navigated it, you figured it out, you found your way through. And I think it also highlights how it can be helpful to have people there. But it's important that they know what's going on, because certainly if people don't understand what's happening in your healing process and you're feeling out of control or feeling these things that are coming up, that there might be a reaction on their end too, to say, well, let's rein it in, or let's take some medication, or let's suppress or calm down. Because as humans, we're not great at sitting through those peaks of activation and intensity.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:16:54]:
We tend to shy away from those big moments where things are starting to build and build and build, you know, and what we don't always know or trust is that there's like a, you know, a decrescendo on the other side. And so it's finding either in ourselves that capacity and resiliency to go through it or have someone help us, you know, guide us, or at least give us the encouragement to get through the other side.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:17:19]:
Hey, sacred illness listeners. Doctor Erin here. I'm quickly interrupting today's episode to put out the invitation to you or anyone you know who has a chronic illness or chronic symptoms that would like to come on to the podcast and share your story. Our goal is to invite folks onto the show who have worked with Mindbody's medicine modalities and noticed an improvement or even a complete resolution of symptoms using this potent medicine. If this describes you, check the link in the show notes below that will take you to a quick application to fill out. That will give us some information about who you you are, what your story is, and we'll take it from there. And again, if you know anyone who might also fit this description or like to come onto our show, please feel free to share the link with them as well.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:18:01]:
All right, let's get back to the episode. I think that list is just also so incredible because again, it was, first of all, like your own brain child, like, you created this list. And I love, I had never heard of that before, but it makes total sense that checking things off is a dopamine boost um, and especially, like, a. Like, you're combining that with also things that are soothing your nervous system. So it's like a double whammy. I feel like you should, like, write a book or a blog about it or something.
Kady Wilson [00:18:28]:
But definitely considered. Yeah, I just haven't really, like, thought out loud about my experience, but I definitely know there's a lot of. There's a lot there. Yeah. Like, wisdom and, like, it feels very sacred. That's why I am, like, being very particular about, like, how I speak on it, because it is. This has been so sacred. Like, the most sacred experience I've ever experienced in my life.
Kady Wilson [00:18:48]:
Having gone to the edge and made it back by myself, by my own self.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:18:52]:
I mean, and as you know, my whole thing is sacred illness. Right. That's. I refer to it in that way for that reason, because it is, to me, it is a sacred journey. Right. It's this invitation of really moving into these pretty oftentimes dark, challenging, hard places in ourselves and in our psyches and, you know, in our spirit or soul, whatever you believe. Like, it's just getting into these layers that is breaking us open, you know? And it can. It can go in many directions, but if we find the way through, it leads to these really profound insights and changes.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:19:24]:
And as we were talking before, too. Right. It doesn't always mean symptoms just then magically disappear or anything like that. Certainly they can continue to be a guide, and they can continue to help us find these additional layers, but seeing those symptoms or seeing that illness as that way through, I think, is part of that profound sacredness of this work and. Yeah. Do you want to speak more on that? I mean, you don't have to share anything you don't want to share, but just in terms of how this did start to become more than just, like, I want to get rid of my pain, how it became more of this sacred process for you. Like, what did that. What does that look like for you?
Kady Wilson [00:19:59]:
Yeah. Um, so when you're saying that just a minute ago with you thinking, um, I really started to kind of almost be, like, thankful for the fact that my body had the capacity to be able to communicate. Like, hey, we need. Like, it refused to stop telling me. Like, it was. Like, it was almost like it wouldn't give up on me. Instead of, like, it became a point where I'm, like, where it wasn't really. I kind of changed my relationship with the way that I thought of it as not so much of, like.
Kady Wilson [00:20:27]:
Like a sibling that you have to, like, take on to the park with you or something and just being, like, more receptive to what it was wanting me to. Just being more receptive to, like, like, grateful for it. At first I remember, like, that didn't feel right. I was just like, why would I be grateful for something that literally, it causes me so much annoyance? But it's like, it just started to become that because I just, like, knew that it was the fact that it was so persistent. Like, it was just like, okay, this is just still me resisting, like, whatever's trying to happen here. The more that I was, like, grateful for the fact that my body could, like, communicate to me this, the less it felt, like, this burden. And also just the experience that I've had from having the experience brought me back to myself. And it really made me start prioritizing, like, my wellness, mental, physical, spiritual, in a way that I don't know if I ever have.
Kady Wilson [00:21:32]:
And that also, too, really positively affected my children because in the beginning, what seemed like, oh, this is taking me away from them or me doing certain things. It just felt like it was taking away. And I've seen a huge change in them as well, because my capacity not only has expanded, I find that I'm living less in fight or flight, I pretty much was just living in it every waking moment without even realizing it because it was so constant. And now the baseline is the opposite, and there's just times where I visit, like, getting off center or whatever, and it doesn't last as long and it doesn't feel as intense.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:22:13]:
That's so powerful. I think that really shows how we resist these things because, you know, again, like, you had that sort of driving motivation to, like, I have to show up for my kids, I have to be here for them. I can't, you know, I don't have time for myself. I can't make space for myself. And the opposite becomes true where when we actually allow that time and space for ourselves, obviously we feel better and we become, you know, and then those ripple effects move out from there. So, you know, and that can, obviously, that example can be applied to any, like, most any situation. The more we resist something, the smaller our world gets, the less capable we become, the harder we have to push, you know, and it, I think your journey is so, like, it's this really perfect demonstration of this healing journey, right? Because it's Gabor mate's whole thing. The body will say no for us if we don't say no for ourselves.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:23:08]:
And you got to this place where your friends were calling it depression, but in my world, at least. I think of depression as the body's way of really being like, actually, no, you have to make your world so small that you have no choice but to, you know, if we again have the perspective, like you have and I have, about illness, to reflect and really consider why this is happening. And I, you know, like, you said it so beautifully, how it's really hard to adopt this different mindset. Like, am I crazy thinking, like, this illness is a blessing. Like, what? You know, it's a very different paradigm. It's a very different mindset. But when we can see it through that lens, like, I love what you said, how, you know, your illness didn't give up on you, right? Like, it kept being like, nope, hold on, hold on. Right? Like, it kept calling you back.
Kady Wilson [00:23:53]:
Literally, was so stubborn.
Kady Wilson [00:23:55]:
I was like, I'm more stubborn. And I was like, what if we both just work together?
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:23:59]:
Right? I'm like, okay, fine, I'll stop being stubborn. And, yeah, then that. That really, like, reframes everything, right? Because then it's. It's okay. This thing is actually not here to harm me. It's. It's trying to continuously pull me in deeper and deeper and deeper.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:24:12]:
And all of the things that it's causing in my life, again, mindset wise, we can see it as a curse. Like, I can't hang out with my friends or I don't want to, or I don't have the energy for this, or I'm not being a good mom. It's really. It's creating these opportunities that are, you know, leading us to the changes we need to make. Like, you need to prioritize yourself. You need to rest. You need to slow down.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:24:33]:
You need to tune in.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:24:33]:
Right. And so, again, it's. It's like a gift we never asked for and wouldn't necessarily ask for, but we don't pay attention when things are comfortable. You never would have gone on any if you had never felt pain, right? Like, yeah. You know, you would have just kept living in that same way. So does that resonate with what you experienced?
Kady Wilson [00:24:51]:
Yes, it does. Yes. Exactly what you just said. Like, I actually. Just the other day in my notes section, I actually started to. I titled a note section that said a thank you letter to my pain. I don't have the words yet, but it definitely feels like it's. Which.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:25:07]:
Beautiful. Yeah. I mean, and again, it's such a. You know, if someone were to stumble upon that for some reason in your. In your notes, they would be like, what? You know, like, depending on who they were. But it's that. That mindset shift that really does change everything. And I talk often about how it's a paradigm shift, right.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:25:25]:
We have to stop thinking of symptoms as the enemy, as the worst thing ever, as the thing we have to battle and suppress and eliminate. And, you know, there's no. No judgment or criticism for those of us who do have to do that, because for whatever reason, we just have to get through life. And, you know, western medicine has its place. And for those who are wanting to and able to go deeper with it, right. It's framing pain as something to be grateful for. You know, it's a. I mean, I think of my crohn's, my autoimmune condition, as the exact same way.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:25:56]:
Like, I would not be here talking to you. I would not be doing any of the work that I'm doing if I hadn't gotten sick. And so it's, you know, again, it's thinking of it as a doorway that opens that is incredibly uncomfortable to walk through, incredibly painful, scary hard, and requires a lot of resiliency and grit. And sometimes we don't. We have it, and sometimes we don't. Right? Like, this is not a continuous, like, forging ahead. There's moments of pause, and there's moments of, like, going back. I'd be curious to hear if you had experiences with that.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:26:24]:
But generally, it is this journey to finding ourselves, reconnecting to ourselves. Did you have moments of, like, quote unquote relapse or, like, doubting the process?
Kady Wilson [00:26:33]:
Yes, definitely. Definitely. I'm getting chills. I get chills on my leg. This is so funny. I get chills on my leg where it used to go numb. When I get really passionate talking about this experience, it's so interesting.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:26:44]:
Love it.
Kady Wilson [00:26:47]:
I definitely had times.
Kady Wilson [00:26:48]:
Where I would, like, be like, this is stupid. Like, just get on medication. Like, you don't know what you're doing. This isn't going to work. Like, you're not. Like, everyone's suffering because you're just doing this process. And I'm, like, so glad that I didn't stop because it. I'm just so glad I didn't.
Kady Wilson [00:27:04]:
Even though there was lots of times. Yeah. Like, where it got dark and even just in general, like, I felt like I was, like, behind a plexiglass, like, watching my own life just, like, pass by. And it was just. That's what. That's what part that made me sad. It's, like, not so much about what. Like, what I'm missing out on, but also just.
Kady Wilson [00:27:20]:
Yeah, I just felt like I couldn't be, like, present because every waking moment was just, like, worrying about, like, when I'm going to be in pain, how to get out of pain, when will the pain stop, what's going to happen? It was just, like, ruminating thoughts about the discomfort that I was experiencing. And so it made it really hard to be, like, present in, like, any moment. And that was really sad to me. Yeah. Because it was like. It was like time was going by, but I was, like, missing it all right.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:27:43]:
Right. And so that, you know, it's a. It's amazing that you continue to push forward despite that, because it does. Yeah, it's like, look at what I'm missing out on. I could just take a medication or I could keep trying other things and just get back to my life and whatever. But again, there was something in you. There was some intuitive knowing or some deeper understanding of the path to what I really want is through this, not by stopping it here and shutting it up. And I think it was the last episode Orianna and I were talking about how part of this journey is actually acknowledging the path that we were on is the path that we need to get off of the way that we were living our lives and the thoughts we were having and the relationships we were having or whatever, those are the conditions in which your illness arise from.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:28:31]:
So often we have this I have to get back to my life mentality. But really illness is, again, this doorway of. How about we exit off of this path and find a new life and a new way of being that is more conducive to health that's more in alignment with who you really are.
Kady Wilson [00:28:47]:
Something I was going to mention is. Yeah, like, getting. I was just actually thinking about that concept, like, when I was on a walk, like yesterday before, like, how we don't ever really seemingly go back to, like, a different. Like, you've heard people, of course, say this in the last few years. Like, I just want things to go back how they were. Like, things don't ever, in my opinion, go back to some past version of what they were. They just don't.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:29:09]:
I think it is really subtle, like, how those shifts can take place. Like, I don't know that I could answer that question about myself. Like, I know things are different, but I don't know if I could answer it because it is something that I know. Unless there's, like, an abrupt thing, obviously, like you said, your relationship ended and things with your kids have changed. Like, those are very like visual, obvious things. But, but I think the more profound, deeper changes are less obvious. You know, they're more, they're more internal and slower in a sense. You know, where it's interesting, when I work with folks one on one, one of the things we do is write out like all of the symptoms you're currently experiencing and we rank them in terms of intensity just as a way to kind of track.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:29:47]:
And a few sessions in like five or ten sessions in, we will go back to that list. And so often people will be like, oh, I forgot I even had that symptom. We so naturally just start to move out of these old ways of being that, yeah, we don't often remember the old self. We just were aware of who we are and where we're at in the moment.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:30:10]:
Hi everyone, Doctor Erin here. So by now you're starting to get an idea, idea of some of what the sacred illness paradigm is all about. The sacred illness paradigm is all about this question of what is your illness inviting you to become. What is it that lies within each of us that allows some of us to acquire so called spontaneous healing or remissions? And what is the key to unlocking that innate self healing capacity in each and every one of us? The sacred illness blueprint is something that I developed as a guide to help you walk through this process step by step to learn how to move deeper and deeper within yourself, to find these layers of dysregulation, of trauma, of limiting beliefs of things that you're holding within your system that are keeping you small, stuck and sick, ultimately, if we ignore the mind body connection and are not exploring the ways in which our nervous system continues to be dysregulated or in a chronic state of activation and stress, stress, any healing modality that we put into our body from the outside in is going to be less effective, if not effective at all. So if you are currently feeling stuck, lost, confused or disillusioned in your healing journey, feeling like you have tried so many things, you have tried so many modalities, you have worked with so many providers, and you're just not seeing the results you want, know that this is normal. And of course you're not, because this foundation mind body connection is often, if not always, missed in all of these modalities. And just like we can't build a house on top of sand, our healing cannot grow and blossom and be strong and successful if the foundation is not laid first. So rather than doing something different, but similar to everything you have tried before and expecting different results, I encourage you to consider doing something different altogether.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:31:56]:
This is where I invite you to explore the sacred illness group coaching program. This is a low cost monthly membership option that I have created. It's constantly open, constantly enrolling, where you can begin to explore this completely different way of engaging in your health, in your body, in your illness and in your healing process. What is provided inside this group coaching program is the blueprint that lays the foundation and lays the path out for you to follow, to begin to explore these deeper aspects of how health to truly get at the root of what is causing your illness and from there, allowing all other modalities to blossom so that you can actually start to see the changes and the healing take place in your body that you have been expecting and wanting all along. If you're ready and want to learn more, head on over to aurorasomatic.com. And at the top of the screen, click on group coaching where you can read all about it and become a member. Today, I can't wait to see you on the inside. And for now, let's get back to the podcast.
Kady Wilson [00:32:54]:
Something I did this morning that I like to do periodically is look back at the old journals that I've done over the time of this process. And I really have made a ton of progress. Like the goals that I've set, like, I've checked them off, I've gone past them, I've reset them. And like, it's just, I have like about four notebooks that over time, I was really doing a lot of writing stuff down during the process of all of this to kind of. That's how I was sort of doing it on my own. Honestly, a lot was like using the reflection of this journal. Like, that was my feedback. Some of it was like shadow exercises I would do.
Kady Wilson [00:33:30]:
A lot of it was just free writing, a lot of it was drawing. But one of my favorite parts is in the very first journal that I got, the very first thing that I wrote was, in order to receive, you must first create space. And so I feel like I spent like the first few years just really like purging everything.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:33:50]:
That's incredible. That's an exercise that I teach inside the program that I run, the sacred illness program, where it's, you know, it's, yeah, it's removing, it's moving stuff out, whether it's internal or even around you, like things that are taking up space or not, you know, not reflecting kind of who you want to be in the life you want to live. And it's this like clearing space process but I mean, something I just want to continue to highlight is how. I don't know. I mean, it's just really beautiful how intuitive and connected you were to yourself in this. Like, you found the process and the steps to move you into these deeper and deeper layers of connection with your illness. And I think that something I want to say for listeners like this is available to anyone, right? Like, your ability to tune in and listen to yourself.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:34:40]:
Right.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:34:40]:
We all have that capacity. I think it just comes maybe more naturally or more easily to some of us, depending on our relationship with our body or maybe our particular trauma or whatever it might be. But there's something just really beautiful, this thread that runs through everything that you did, where you were, like you said, the first couple of years were purging, you just followed this very natural rhythm of trusting what was coming up and meeting it where it was at and working with it in that way. You know, you weren't necessarily taking this really heady approach. I'm sure, like you said, you love science y stuff, and I'm sure you geek out on it, but it wasn't like, I'm going to follow this step by step protocol that someone else has laid out for me. You know, you certainly brought elements of other things into your journey, but overall, it was this very intuitive flow that you followed.
Kady Wilson [00:35:28]:
It really was, yeah, very layered. Very layered. And most of the time, it didn't really go back, but the whole experience has been just, like, forward, forward. There was times where it, like, paused, and I would question my own power to be able to, like, manage this, control it, survive it. And, like, every time that I was, like, gave, like, trusted that, like, it only led me to better places, and my pain got less and less and less. The more that I kept following, the more that I kept going. Like, even when I was like, yes, I would take time to, like, stop, and I have to. I really had to, like, I had to almost, like, recoup, like, stop and, like, rest and.
Kady Wilson [00:36:06]:
And then just. And then when I. When it felt right, like, just be like, okay, so let's, you know, get back to it.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:36:12]:
Let's keep going. Yeah. Amazing. I mean, I have an episode coming up after yours about that exact thing. I call it integrating. Right. Because I think if we do take a headier approach to healing, like, if we're just, like, you know, doing modules or doing classes or doing all the external sort of, like, you tell me what to do, and I do it kind of, like, way of approaching, then we could just move through things too. Fast, and we're not giving our bodies time to catch up.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:36:39]:
And really, I think of it as absorbing all that you have learned and really letting your body settle, let the dust settle. When you go through a certain deep layer of healing, you're describing perfectly. This analogy that I use of the onion layers is this process of peeling back layer by layer. And you listening to yourself and your intuition, you naturally found your way through each layer. Like, what's the next layer? What is my body giving me? What's it presenting? And I think that is so important. To reiterate what you said of, like, the more I trusted it, I started to feel better or the next layer started to show up. It is a very organic process and it is very unique to each one of us. Obviously, every layer for everyone is going to be very different.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:37:29]:
And you found not only the way to allow each layer to organically kind of show itself and to work with it, you allowed time to integrate once that layer was removed, because again, that removal of the layer, we're kind of settling into a new self. Right. And again, it's hard to sometimes articulate exactly what that means or what that looks like, but we just know something has shifted. Like, okay, I had this revelation, or I have this new way of thinking, or my body feels different. And it's really important to let the nervous system get used to it because it's new. Right. And as we've been saying, the unknown is very scary. And so we want to give the nervous system time to, like, get used.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:38:09]:
It's like kind of introducing two people. It's like, okay, you guys hang out for a little while, get used to each other. This is the new. This is the new me. And then, as you said, the next layer shows up.
Kady Wilson [00:38:19]:
Yeah, that's like, I think what I was referencing with, like, the updating version, it was almost like I would have to, like, let there be periods of time, like, I would say, like, updating, like, updating the system of, like, okay, like, that's what our reality's been, you know, so far. Whatever. But, like, doesn't necessarily look like that anymore or need to look like that or whatever.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:38:37]:
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And I think that's exactly it. Right. We're letting our nervous system know. Like, that was how it was and this is how it is. And, you know, we're giving it that. Yeah, it's like a software update, really.
Kady Wilson [00:38:49]:
Stopping, like, physically stopping and actually stopping. When I was experiencing these moments of realizing, like, whoa, I just took a hike. And, like, it didn't hurt the whole time, just like. Like really celebrating with myself. Just those tiny changes of the pain patterns and, like, updating it allowed me to be able to be able to feel like I could, like, increase my window of tolerance even more.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:39:13]:
You know, I talk a lot about the subconscious programming, and, you know, that's ultimately kind of what's running our nervous system and causing it to be more dysregulated, which can lead to illness and all the things, you know, all the things. But. But there's also this need for the conscious. Obviously, the conscious mind is important. It's what we kind of think from and have memories and learn and talk and operate. That's what makes us humans versus animals. And so I think, I often say the subconscious is where a lot of that work happens, where a lot of that deeper work and healing happens. But the conscious mind is something we also have to be mindful of, no pun intended, and let those two things work together.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:39:51]:
It's essentially being mindful of your conscious thinking as well. Like, how. What am I. How am I reflecting on this moment? What is the story I'm telling? And that goes for negative, you know, so called negative things. Like you said with your pain, you were catching, like, what. What am I thinking? What's coming up for me right now? How am I responding to this? But also things that are positive, because oftentimes we, I mean, you know, humans in general, we are wired to be more negative. We have a negativity bias because focusing on things that go wrong, it's important for survival reasons. I think it's really easy for us to get into a place, especially if we have chronic illness or chronic symptoms or whatever, to be more and more and more focused on the negative, because, like, you were saying with your own journey, you were starting to anticipate pain or expecting it.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:40:38]:
And so being mindful of, like, okay, this thing happened and it was really good. Let me make a note of that, like a conscious mental note, because that's going to help my brain start to get out of that place of constantly focusing on the negative and really start to see things are shifting, things are going in the right direction. It's a very empowering process.
Kady Wilson [00:40:57]:
It'd be a lot of times when I was in nature on a walk while the lights were flickering through the trees, and I would stop and be like, okay, I'm safe right now. I don't anywhere I have to be. My body feels good. Let's just pause here. And this is my life. Update that. Like, this is my reality. It's not whatever it may have been at a different time.
Kady Wilson [00:41:20]:
And sometimes it would happen, too, in the context of, like, just when I'd be, like, cooking dinner and, like, the kids would be in another room or something, and it'd be like, just sort of, like, updating my body that I didn't have to, like, chronically feel like I, like, wasn't doing stuff fast enough or, like, I should be doing something else, or it's like, no, like, and that was, that also led me to start, stop wanting to multitask all the time, too, because that was, like, keeping a whole bunch of, like, tabs. And that was actually, that was actually something that would trigger my pain quite often as well, was, like, when I would notice it hurting, I'd be realizing I'm doing, like, simultaneously, like, five things at once. That's the part two about the pain that's interesting is, like, you physically do feel it in your body. And this has been, like, the most complex thing to try to, like, make make sense to people is, like, I feel like a lot of what is causing your body to be in pain is particularly just, like, your thoughts previously and at that time about your safety. And safety is more than just someone's going to barge through the door. Safety is a loaded word. So figuring out what safety is to create safety is really a big part of it, because it's like, do I have the adequate resources, whatever those may be, whatever that may look like, that can be really triggering that fight or flight, which then makes you hold yourself tight, tense. And that unconscious tension is what ends up oftentimes, like, entirely seemingly causing the pain.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:42:46]:
Absolutely. I mean, what you're speaking to is exactly what we now have more understanding of, you know, in the mind body world, which is that your nervous system cannot distinguish between something happening right now versus something that happened in the past. And, you know, the more programming we received or the more, you know, traumatic experiences we had or chronic stress or, you know, like, chronic absence of getting our needs met, whatever it might be, you, window of tolerance earlier. So that's this idea of, you know, if you, if you literally picture a window, like, the more open it is, the more you as a person are able to hold in your body in terms of stress and, you know, triggers and activation. But the more stressors we experience through life, oftentimes our window gets smaller and smaller and smaller. Like, we just, we become more on edge. Our system basically gets programmed to wait for the shoe to drop. Right.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:43:38]:
It's that anticipation where it's, like, stuff keeps happening over and over. So I'm just going to be ready to go at any time, you know, so we just kind of get into that readiness.
Kady Wilson [00:43:47]:
And even the pain. Even the pain pattern that I was experiencing was sort of like a physical. If I were to, like, be going to go, like, run. Like, that's physically where the parts that were being, like, ignited in my body. Like, it was like, literally, like, ready to, like, go unconsciously all the time. Like, because if I do, like, a runner's lunge, just like I played around that time, it's like, what does it feel like? I'm about to start running. It literally activates the three spots that were chronically feeling not happy.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:44:19]:
So fascinating. That's. Yeah, I mean, I like, to me, that's such a powerful when, when the symptoms are such a literal representation of, like, your body is ready to run. And that's why it's pain in pain, because it's, like, bracing and ready, you know, like, if you're.
Kady Wilson [00:44:33]:
And even in my stomach.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:44:35]:
Yeah.
Kady Wilson [00:44:35]:
Like, my stomach was, like, my core would, like, tighten. Like, preventive, like, ready. And that also led me into looking into the psoas and understanding that it literally where the points that it connects, which is literally the three. That's a whole nother thing.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:44:49]:
So fascinating. Yeah, I mean, and it's like, I get excited about these things because I think it really helps people to see there it's not this random violence against your body. There's a really, really good reason why you're having these symptoms, why they're manifesting, why they're showing up. And, you know, if you dig deep enough, you can get to that explanation. And, you know, not always, but oftentimes there can be this really, you know, direct correlation between what your body is thinking or feeling or preparing for and how it's showing up in your system. So I think, yeah, that's, it's such an interesting, like, to me that it almost, like, confirms or helps me to feel more confident in that mind body connection and that communication because it's like, okay, yeah, I can see that. I'm literally, like, prepped to run because of my system. My tolerance for stress is so low.
Kady Wilson [00:45:38]:
I'm constantly ready to run. And the more I create safety in my body, you know, the less, the less need to run that I feel. Then those muscles can start to release, but we can't. Again, it's not all conscious. We can't just think that we have to subconsciously work through. Why does it wants to run in the first place.
Kady Wilson [00:45:59]:
Yeah. And so, so layered. And it's cool because now at this point, I'm actually teaching restorative yoga, which is like, the art of, like, allowing your body to release unconscious tension. And I. And so that's one of those cool things, like an opportunity that came up, like, six months ago, and I was just like, wow, this might be. It's like now I'm at a stage where I'm really feeling, like, able to expand, like, integrate this stuff, like, integrate into the world.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:46:26]:
Yeah, your medicine, basically. I mean, you know, it's like, again, not everyone who goes on a healing journey is going to be a healer or a healthcare provider or whatever in some way, shape or form. But I feel like we are so changed by the process that it almost becomes inevitable that, like, the way illness changes us, it becomes part of our life in some way, shape or form. Like, it becomes some way that we're expressing that journey and what we learned into the world. And I love that. I think it's so important because to me, this is foundational. If we all started from this understanding of our bodies being these ecosystems and this communication between us and the world constantly. And one of the things I say often is the bodies don't fail.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:47:11]:
They respond. It's just this feedback, this constant feedback of this is what you experienced, and this is how it shows up in the body. We would be so much better off healthcare wise. And I think the more of us who, I mean, that's the point of this podcast. And bringing folks like yourself on the podcast is just showing how this is not just, you know, woo woo, good sounding like, oh, that would be nice. But right, like, this is reality. These are the real process that you can walk and it can, you know, it can be literally the gamut of, you know, physical manifestation. Like, I had something.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:47:45]:
I had Crohn's disease. You have chronic pain, right. There's so many ways that what our body is holding can show up physically, but again, if you trace it back, it all comes back to that same root cause.
Kady Wilson [00:47:58]:
There was lots of times.
Kady Wilson [00:47:59]:
Where I felt like the word woohoo. Like, I feel like, you know, this is really woohoo, whatever. Like, at times when I was even doing stuff with, like, the vagus nerve, like, turning my eye, doing the thing, and I would start hysterically crying, like, releasing stuff, and there's been so many things that were all. They were all nervous system and, like, releasing energy based and just really. Just establishing safety in my body.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:48:21]:
Like, overall, yeah, I think that's the core of it, right, is reestablishing safety. And I think of it as reclaiming our power, right. Like, safety is. Is, in a sense, robbing us of our power. It's robbing us of our right to be here and to take up space and to show up how we want whatever our trauma is in some way, shape or form. It's robbing us of our, like, full expression of self and definitely. Yeah. So, like, it's this reclamation of, I'm safe.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:48:47]:
I get to be here. I get to show up how I want to. I get to say what I want to say and be who I am. And the more that feels true again on a deep level as well as a conscious level, you know, the less our body has to hold and to brace, brace for, you know, and kind of manifest physically. Well, I feel like this is a great place for us to pause for today. Is there anything else that came up for you that you want to share before we, we close out the show for this episode?
Kady Wilson [00:49:15]:
No, but I really appreciate you having me on because it helped me to sort of, like, clarify in my own head as well. Just I haven't really put a lot of words to this experience, and so that's. Thank you.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:49:26]:
Yeah. And I am so appreciative of you being willing to come on here and share your. Your process. I mean, you. This is the medicine, right? Like, the ripple effects that will go out from this episode and people hearing your story and resonating with it and feeling inspired by it. You know, this is. This is how we make a difference.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:49:44]:
Thanks so much for tuning in to another episode of the Sacred Illness podcast. If you find this information shared here inspirational and educational, please share it with those you think would benefit from this work. To take this work deeper yourself, check out our website, www.aurorasomatic.com, where you can explore our coaching, community and culture course options. And don't forget to subscribe to this channel where new content is coming out all the time, intended to inspire, awaken, and help you deepen your relationship with yourself, your life, and your world. We'll see you next time. Bye.
