Faegann Harlow [00:00:00]:
There's something really healing in that loss of identity process to come to those spaces of being like, oh, wow, okay, this feels more grounded, more embodied, more safe.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:00:17]:
So the big question is this. We know spontaneous remissions and so called miracle cures exist. We also know they aren't so spontaneous after all. I'm living proof of this. Having cured my quote unquote incurable illness, there's something to how this happens. So how do we as humans with chronic symptoms, tap into this so called miraculous healing capacity? That is the question, and this podcast will give you the answers. My name is Doctor Erin Hayford, and welcome to the Sacred Illness podcast. Before we begin today's episode, just my standard medical disclaimer.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:00:55]:
This podcast is intended for educational and informational purposes only. The content should not be considered a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult with a qualified healthcare professional.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:01:07]:
Regarding any medical concerns. Hi, everyone, and welcome back to another episode of the Sacred Illness podcast. I'm very excited to welcome onto the show Faegann Harlow, coming in from San Diego, California. She is actually a somatic experiencing practitioner in training, which is exciting because we are speaking the same language in terms of the mind body connection and how trauma is stored in the body. So I'm very excited to have one of my own here on the show today. And Faegann also is someone who has walked the autoimmune path similar to myself. She has never officially been diagnosed with a label, so to speak, but has been essentially told she has autoimmune like symptoms. And so she's here to share her healing journey with us, how it led to a lot of changes in her life, a lot of loss, a lot of letting things go in order for things to build up again.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:01:59]:
So welcome, Faegann. Thank you so much for being here. I'm so excited to have you on today.
Faegann Harlow [00:02:04]:
Thank you so much for having me. It is such a joy to be able to connect with like minds and share this message, truly.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:02:11]:
Yes, yes. I'm so excited. We were talking before the show started just about our overarching goal and messages we're wanting to share, and we're just very excited to share with you all today what Faegann has in store. So, I guess without further ado, let's just jump in, Faegann, and you can start wherever you'd like in your own personal timeline, wherever makes sense for you, and just walk us through your journey toward finding somatic experiencing, but also, more generally, finding that nervous system piece to your healing work.
Faegann Harlow [00:02:38]:
Yeah, thank you. It is an interesting thing to think about timeline, because the unraveling picture is so nuanced and so layered. But I think the easiest place for me to really jump in is where things took a really large pivot. I had been experiencing incremental health and mental health issues for many years, but it was around my early thirties, and I happened to be touring with Motley Crue, so definitely added to a Rock hall of Fame band from some years ago. But I was a professional circus performer, and so I would do aerial acrobatics and fire performing, stilt walking, kind of the whole gamut of circus arts. And it really felt like the epitome of my career. You know, it's just a rarity to have that kind of an opportunity to be working, you know, large concert arenas in that capacity. And it was beautiful for so many reasons.
Faegann Harlow [00:03:40]:
You become like a family on those tours. And I just felt really supported in that regard. But around that time is when I actually started to notice not only the physical symptoms that had been escalating over many years, but then I actually started to notice that my social skills were beginning to shift and change. And it became more challenging to feel comfortable in rooms of people where all of a sudden it just felt like the projections of who I needed to be were so amplified. It was hard to find my true self. And when I noticed that begin to happen, there's this slow withdrawal internally. And it made performing really challenging. It made being on audience, on display, and putting myself out there, this really vulnerable space.
Faegann Harlow [00:04:41]:
And I can still feel that in my body. And I say this in. In the way that I feel at times. Our culture and societal conditioning can prime us for this idea of needing to be something for everyone, right? And how that process of self betrayal can start so small and so minute over the years until it becomes those spaces of, like, who am I? And who am I becoming for who? Right? And when I started to notice those social skills shifting that in conjunction with this bigger picture of. At this time, you know, I was having hospitalizations. I had kidney stones pretty regularly every month. You know, I had been loose diagnosis of connective tissue disease, fibromyalgia, migraines. Obviously, my autoimmune markers were testing as having an autoimmune.
Faegann Harlow [00:05:50]:
But going through the gamut of all the testing and going through naturopath processing, which I love, I'm still a big advocate for, in that they're attuned to more of the nuances and how our systems can speak up maybe a little bit earlier than is normally identified in western medicine. And still hitting that struggle in that. In that sphere. And I'd been doing, you know, nutrition and herbs and everything was helping support the different expressions of my body. But something still wasn't shifting. Something still wasn't changing. And that's when I recognized, more or less, that I couldn't heal in the environment I was in the environment that was facilitating this projected Persona, this projected ego of who I thought I needed to be, was not allowing that space for the authentic self to be true. And so it really was this meeting, that natural withdrawal that my body was so intelligent to access, and recognizing that I needed to start to change that environment, to change the people I was around, to change the habits that I had and find new ways of really being.
Faegann Harlow [00:07:21]:
Essentially, it's like all this doingness of performing Washington more or less kind of covering this process that my body desperately was seeking of, can we just be, can I be enough? Can I be whole and perfect just as I am without needing to go through those micro moments of self betrayal to show up, as I thought was desired of me, so to speak. So that really was kind of this big, pivotal moment where it's like, okay, I'm here at the peak of my career. I'm doing what I thought was my ultimate joy, my ultimate passion, what I've been training and working so hard for, and yet my body was saying something completely different. And that journey to start, to peel back those layers of, like, okay, we're doing the healthy things, we're doing the nutrition, we're doing the herbs, and what is this missing piece? That's really when I started to come around to, admittedly, both plant medicines and nervous system regulation, there was much deeper healing that was being asked of and just needed to go to some different avenues than what is more accessible or considered available as an appropriate approach for what was happening in my mind body system.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:08:49]:
Yes. Oh, my gosh. I didn't even make this connection while we were talking. But it's so profound to hear, like, because I think of illness as essentially performing right, like, we're being someone we're not, and that is illnesses. Illness kind of shows up at a certain point. It's like there's a straw that breaks the camel's back, where it's saying, you are so out of alignment. There's such a huge incongruence in your projected self and who you really are at your core. And so it really is this, like, very, I don't know, just very obvious way, like, because you were literally obviously performing you.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:09:23]:
That's the whole point of performing is you are putting on a show for people. And I think that that, I mean, it's just such a beautiful, literal metaphor. I don't know if you. There can be such a thing as a literal metaphor, but you know what I'm saying, where that was your work and it was feeding, but it was feeding into. It sounds like maybe things that were. Would you say that those patterns of being someone you weren't were already at play and then the work was pulling it out further, or how would you characterize that?
Faegann Harlow [00:09:51]:
Yeah. Really well said. Yes. These were definitely things that when I started to do the nervous system regulation work and I started to do the shadow work and work with plants is, it started to pull back those layers where I could see where all that masking had really began and really started recognizing it was. It was a, you know, a process that occurred over time and just became more amplified the greater I became out of that incongruence.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:10:17]:
Yes. Beautiful. Yeah. And it is so heartbreaking. And that is that the fact that you had this, I mean, like you said, it was the epitome of your career was like, your dream come true, that something you had been working for for so long. And I wonder if, you know, and maybe not, but I'm curious if, on reflection, when you look at the work, if you're like, yeah, that actually wasn't in alignment with who I am and what I really want to do, or if it's like, no, that's still my dream. And, you know, this is just the reality of my situation. I had to stop it.
Faegann Harlow [00:10:48]:
Yeah. And admittedly, I feel like it was a little bit of a both and kind of situation. I think there's a lot of truth in my passion for movement, my passion for expression, and the creativity that that allowed my body. And I think, in a way, it was a very intelligent, strategic management system where my body was like, okay, I need to have some outlet to work with everything we're kind of stuffing down and negating. And simultaneously, the demands of working in that type of an environment. To each their own. It can be exactly what is perfect and beautiful. For many others and for myself, there were pieces that were not in alignment by working in commercial entertainment, and that's what really was kind of amplifying the deeper spaces of healing that really needed to occur.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:11:48]:
That makes a lot of sense. And there's something too, really, about, I was just kind of feeling that in myself as you were talking, like, not only is there a performance of putting on a show and being someone else. But then there's that audience, too. There's the people you are performing for. And so, I mean, I can just imagine so many traumatic dynamics of childhood or being the child you needed to be or adults too, right? I think there's a lot of. I mean, that's essentially what trauma does to us, right? It puts us in a space where who we naturally are kind of showing up to be is not safe in some way, shape or form, whether it's getting in trouble for expressing some sort of emotion or, you know, just in general existing. Like, you know, if it's an abusive situation, just existing can be unsafe. And so we find ways to be small or to disappear or to be different or to conform.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:12:38]:
And so there's this story that starts to get written with trauma of, you know, something about who you are is not okay. Something about the way you naturally show up in the world is not okay. And so there's, like you mentioned, those layers that we start to cake on, and essentially we start to disappear inside of ourselves because those layers get so thick of, like, this projected self, we sometimes don't even know who is at the core, you know, especially if it starts early in life. And so you had mentioned, too, that just like, the loss of identity, letting everything collapse, that it sounds like, while that was obviously incredibly challenging, you were seeing like, this is the. This is what has to happen in order for me to shift into a healing space. Was that. I mean, I know it wasn't easy in the sense that it was your whole life shifting. Was it an easy decision to make? Because it was like, obviously this has to happen, or did it take you some time to get to that point of transitioning away from the work?
Faegann Harlow [00:13:35]:
Yeah, really great question. In my situation, it was. I think I knew it consciously what needed to kind of occur and happen. I think there was some confusion about what does that look like? What does that mean? Not having witnessed or knowing a lot of other people that have had a similar journey and so not having enough awareness around and support around what that process could look like. And so with those factors, it did take me quite some time to navigate the waters of what does it really mean to tend to my nervous system? What does it really mean to slow down? What does it mean to be? How can I restore that sense of internal yin and, you know, give my body that. That true recovery of that performative, that doing that fight flight response to get more of that parasympathetic nourishment that would allow the rebuild to occur? So that collapse period definitely took some time.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:14:41]:
Yeah, well, and, you know, this is in response to a career. And I see this in so many other places, too, where it's like we. Like you said, there's this awareness of this probably has to shift or this probably has to go. But it's so hard because it's our. It's our identity, or it's, you know, we love it, or we, you know, it's just. It's hard to lose things, obviously, and it's hard to choose to lose something. You know, it's one thing if it's taken from us, and we have to just sort of figure it out at that point. But when we have to choose to enter into a painful loss like that, it's an incredibly hard process.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:15:15]:
It's like a very slow ripping off of a band aid. But there was that inner wisdom you had. This is something I say often where, like, you know, if you're trying to heal a burn on your hand, but you keep sticking it in the fire, you know, it's not really. Or if you're close to a fire or something, it's going to not really heal. You can't keep exposing yourself to the thing that's keeping you stuck in a state of fight or flight if you want to shift toward healing. And I think that's the hardest thing for so many of us because, again, we can see the thing that we need to let go of or the thing that needs to shift, but it's heartbreaking, and it's so hard, and it's scary. It's terrifying, right. Like you said, especially for yourself, like, there was no, like, okay, yeah, this is the path, and this is what you do, and this is where you go.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:15:55]:
And this is how it looks, and this is how it ends up, you know, at the end. Like, okay, cool. That sounds wonderful. It's like, this is your life and everything, you know, and how to be and what to do. And. Or you can go down, like, door number two, which is, like, black and dark, and you have no idea where it goes. And so it's like, it takes us a little while to feel even somewhat okay about door number two. So I'm just curious.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:16:15]:
And maybe this isn't, you know, maybe it was just a slow, like, where you finally got to that place, but was there a moment where you're like, okay, I'm done. Like, I have to shift, or was it just a slow kind of awareness that built up over time?
Faegann Harlow [00:16:26]:
Yeah, I think there was. There was a bit of twofold in terms of a career, in terms of, you know, how I supported myself and income, that felt like a quicker decision. A recognition of, literally this part of this withdrawal process is it became so incredibly uncomfortable to be in a spotlight, to be performative. It was like literal terror in my body is the best way I could explain it. And so there became that recognition of, like, this is just not an option.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:17:01]:
Yeah.
Faegann Harlow [00:17:01]:
Right. So that one did feel somewhat of a. Somewhat of a. Taken away from me, but also like a, okay, I'm choosing this because I cannot put myself in that position anymore. But there was this interesting dynamic that, you know, training for circus. In this particular instance, you know, we would train maybe 4 hours a day, and it was so socially linked in to my community that that was the one that was really a challenge to slowly start to let go and let it fall apart, honestly. And that was beautiful in its own process. And I think the navigating, like you said, that door to the unknown was a kind of like, okay, what am I peering into? What is this other opportunity available for me? And, you know, how can I begin to shift this interesting social dynamic where I was still finding myself very uncomfortable and awkward and social anxiety, but yet these were the connections I had.
Faegann Harlow [00:18:00]:
So recognizing that environment is not comfortable. It's not really supporting me or filling me up in the way that it used to. And I also still needed some form of co regulation.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:18:11]:
Right.
Faegann Harlow [00:18:12]:
And so that, I think, was the interesting part is how do I start to facilitate self regulation as I'm drifting away from these relationships? Enter into co regulation from an authentic place, man.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:18:28]:
Yeah. That just speaks to, I feel like everyone, and let's put it into layman's terms for folks who aren't familiar with co regulation and that sort of stuff, but essentially, we are animals, you know, at our core. And our nervous systems need other nervous systems to soothe and to calm and, you know, like, we can certainly do it on our own, but. But it eventually, we need community. We need to have that social network, right? We know that isolation is incredibly detrimental for health, and having a calm, grounded human beings around us to help us in times of distress is essential to help us come down. And so I've never really, like, thought about it in that way that you just described, but that's so it. Where we need it, we need that connection. We need those people.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:19:15]:
I don't like this word, but it's, you know, the word that's used. Like, we need our tribe, right? We need our community of humans. And I think very often or maybe. I don't know, maybe not very often. But I think I. That it is common in chronic illness, especially that some of those folks around us probably are not helping in terms of the co regulation piece. There's something about the dynamic that's not quite a right fit. And it would make sense that we find if we are putting on a performance, if our authentic self isn't truly the fullness of what we're projecting, we're going to pull in people that don't fully match it.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:19:51]:
Right. And so to some degree, there's going to be like a performative need when you're in those relationships to be the person they expect you to be or who they know. And I think we see that a lot in romantic relationships where we might start dating someone and then we change, we grow and we start like saying no or setting boundaries. And they're like, hold on, I didn't sign up for this person who is, you know, and so that can start to happen as we heal. We start to feel like, oh, actually this isn't quite the fit, you know, and I'm. And it starts to become this really obvious, like, chasm of like, oh, this? Yeah. Like I'm growing further apart from these people who I love and I feel comfortable with to an extent, but I can't be authentic with them. And like you said perfectly, it's this ironic thing of like, I have to lose people in order to co regulate in a more healthy way.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:20:37]:
Right? So when we're co regulating, so to speak, with people who are not authentically matching who we are, then it's not really co regulation, I guess. Right. It's more stressful. It's more of a stress response that's going to happen. Because again, there's that. Essentially, the way I think of it is when we are not authentically showing up in the world that is communicating to our nervous system, that's because there's a threat present. Right? Like, that's what we're saying. Like, I'm not saying no to this because I'm going to get hurt if I do, or I'm not expressing my anger because I'm going to get hurt if I do.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:21:09]:
And so it's not conscious, but it's all these little subtle ways that we change who we are. We tweak our self expression to project this certain self that we've learned to project over the course of our lives. And every time we do that again, we're telling the nervous system. We're showing up in this way because it's not safe. It's not safe. It's not safe. And that's keeping our nervous system in some degree of fight or flight. And so, again, if that's happening in our social circle circle, then we have to figure out how to separate and either ground down into who we are and show up as that person in that group and feel safe doing so.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:21:43]:
Or if they're just not the right fit, then shifting. And I guess maybe that's a question for you when you think back on your family, because that's so hard. Obviously, I can imagine how close you all got, traveling around and training and just the lifestyle, your own unit of people moving together. Do you feel that it was your, like, if you were to come back now, like, would it fit? You know, like, now that you're kind of more sure of, like, who you are and I don't, you know, we'll talk about that, too, just where you're at in the work. But would it be a good fit? Or was it more that reality of the people who were around me were reflecting my inauthentic self, and if I were to go back now, it would not fit at all.
Faegann Harlow [00:22:23]:
Yeah, great question. With the circus community kind of as a whole, in training and in environment, if I were to step back in my current self, I could love them and I could appreciate them for exactly who they are because they're beautiful, amazing humans. And there would something. There would just be something in me that just would be like. And this is not for me. Right. I think, you know, the people that I traveled with and toured with, we would fall into just being old, like family, and it would feel lovely. And again, it would be one of those places of, this just is not the trajectory of my life at this time.
Faegann Harlow [00:23:01]:
Probably never will be again. And there's something really healing in that loss of identity process to come to those spaces of being like, oh, wow, okay, this feels more grounded, more embodied, more safe. That really low key, constant stress response, if it's a non congruent or, you know, not true co regulation, and it's of no one's fault.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:23:29]:
Right, right.
Faegann Harlow [00:23:30]:
It was that I was showing up in that performative capacity of my projections of who I thought I needed to be. And so just matching the systems were just matching what was happening within me. So that's what feels so great, is to have shed that's those spaces of myself and recognize, you know, I can show up in my fullness and resonate with that. Like we mentioned, I know the tribe at the community and recognize this is where I feel supported. This is where my system feels fully safe, where I can be 100% myself. And that for as challenging as the journey can be of working through, you know, the way our bodies express this dysregulation, it is so worth, and I will say that a thousand times, overdose. It is so worth the journey of learning yourself. It's like true self intimacy to discover what those parts of yourself are that need to feel that level of safety and belonging.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:24:35]:
Hey, sacred illness listeners. Doctor Erin here. I'm quickly interrupting today's episode to put out the invitation to you or anyone you know who has a chronic illness or chronic symptoms that would like to come onto the podcast and share your story. Our goal is to invite folks onto the show who have worked with Mindbody's medicine modalities and noticed an improvement or even a complete resolution of symptoms using this potent medicine. If this describes you, check the link in the show notes below. That will take you to a quick application to fill out. That will give us some information about who you are, what your story is, and we'll take it from there. And again, if you know anyone who might also fit this description or like to come onto our show, please feel free to share the link with them as well.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:25:16]:
All right, let's get back to the episode. I think the reality is that so many of us do have to have almost this withdrawal from people. Things we love, things we've known. Like, it's almost like you have to go inside and away, you know, in order to come back out in, you know, it's like a rebirth, really. It's a having to. Yeah, because it's hard to, as I was saying, heal or change or really get in touch with those intimate parts of yourself that are scared and vulnerable and are not used to being projected or shown or seen. It's hard to find those things and allow those things to start to come out when you're still surrounded by things that feel incongruent. And I think that's a really important thing you said that I want to highlight, too.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:25:59]:
It's this incongruent thing doesn't mean that the person is bad or doesn't have to mean that, right? Like, sometimes there is truly abusive situations, but in your case, these are lovely humans and it was just the way that you showed up and became part of that, that like, no, you kind of like grew out of it or you realize it wasn't fitting anymore. And I think that can be hard. I think a lot of us probably have that you know, with either friends or loved ones or even family members where it's like, I love you so much. You're an amazing human being. And this just doesn't fit anymore. It just doesn't feel good to my system anymore. It's so heartbreaking to lose those or to mindfully and purposefully separate from those relationships. I read somewhere, and I'm going to botch it, but the kind of idea is the people who you walk away from and you feel lighter and you feel happy and free, you know, like there's, like, a lightness in your system when you're with those people who are truly in congruence with you and reflecting back your authenticity.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:26:58]:
And you feel safe and you can just show up and you're not walking home like, oh, my God, what did I say? Or how, you know, it's not like this, like, questioning of yourself or just this heaviness or this tightness. Like, I feel like when I'm in those incongruent situations, I feel really tight and I feel really just kind of, like, foggy brains. Like, I'm just, like, unsure of myself. And I'm. You know, it's like you just don't feel good in your body and in your mind when you're in those situations. And so it is when you start to really find and attract those more congruent relationships, it's like, oh, wow, this is so different and so easier, you know, and so much more. Yeah, it just feels right. You know, it feels right in your system.
Faegann Harlow [00:27:35]:
Yeah, I think that's really well said is, you know, sometimes when we've experienced this incongruence for such long periods of time, if we haven't had exposure to those light, you know, experiences that you're describing of, this feels easier, softer, gentler to my system. Like, I can show up more fully than sometimes. We don't know that difference of life. You just think, okay, well, I just show up in social capacities and there's anxiety and it's uncomfortable, and that's just normal. Right. And so it really does take some of that, at least in my situation. That withdrawal process was so necessary for me to start to feel my own system, what my own system was outside of those social dynamics. And once that could start to soften and start to feel more safe internally than when I started to meet other systems and I could hold that, I could sustain that or could be amplified in a way, then that's when I can start to make those identifications of, like, oh, this is possible.
Faegann Harlow [00:28:42]:
This could be reality. Yeah.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:28:44]:
Beautiful. And this might be a hard or maybe even impossible question to answer, because I think sometimes, at least for myself, when I'm doing this work, it's. It's like you're doing stuff, and it's a bunch of different little things here and there, and then all of a sudden, there's, like, a shift, you know? So it's hard to, like, nail down. Like, this is what I did, but I'm curious if there's something that you did specifically, because I think people, when they listen to this, it's always like, okay, but what did you do? You know what I mean? Like, what did you do to get that? So when you were withdrawing from that family dynamic and, you know, kind of coming into yourself and trying to find these. I know you said you did plant medicine, were there, and I think this is when you start to do trauma work in general. But how did you start to come into contact with those inner layers of your true self and soften them and. And allow them to start to come out? Like, how did you start to find that safety in really being yourself again?
Faegann Harlow [00:29:33]:
Yeah. Such a beautiful question in knowing that that can look so different for each individual and how beautiful that is in and of itself, because it really is a journey of self intimacy. And I also hear you and that idea, but, okay, what did you do?
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:29:49]:
Yeah, right.
Faegann Harlow [00:29:50]:
Nice to know. Right. Especially when you're in the thick of it and you have a lot of physical symptoms or, you know, mental faculties that are, you know, expressing in interesting ways. I think, for me, so much of it because from a nervous system perspective, I was operating in what, you know, from an se language, somatic experiencing language, we'll refer to as Gia. So global high intensity activation. And that my system was just really loud and really responsive to pretty much any situation that, you know, my nervous system would perceive as a trigger, as a threat. And so the first thing for me was that I needed to slow down. I needed to soften and start to quiet that intensity.
Faegann Harlow [00:30:33]:
So I did work a lot with herbs, a lot of nervine herbs to go ahead and, you know, support my nervous system. I worked a lot with my neural beats. So I did that a lot, actually, when I would fall asleep and I would just leave that on throughout the whole whole night, just do, like, a YouTube video. Honestly, those were, I would think, admittedly, the two first big pieces that influenced this slowing of my body to start to facilitate a little bit more capacity. And they made it, honestly, a really big shift for me at that time. And this was kind of at the initial stages of this withdrawing and shifting career and social circles. Yes. I have done a lot of work with plant medicine specifically.
Faegann Harlow [00:31:18]:
Ayahuasca has been an incredible ally, and I love her dearly in her particular supports in navigating the darkness, the unknown, the yin, which was everything that my body was more or less kind of fighting against that terror to go into those spaces. So ayahuasca really helped me to start to build safety. And again, that slowing down, which is what I kind of associate with the in, right. That going inward, the quieting, the beingness, and truly what made such a huge catapult of the shift, it really was that last piece that, you know, I could have had lingering symptoms forever until I found somatic experiencing. And for my body and my system, that was exactly that. That missing link that was just like, this is what we've been needing. And when that that came into play, the. Any lingering symptoms that I was experiencing just started to drift away.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:32:21]:
Wow, that's amazing. It's. And se is one of those things that I've heard that so many times, like, people who sign up to work with me or come on the show or just whatever, like, people that I trained with when I was in my training, like, that feeling of, like, this is it. This is the thing that was missing. And there's just something about going into the body that feels so right and feels so like, oh, yeah, okay. Because I think so much of this healing can be more intellectual. Like, it makes sense to eat a different diet, or it makes sense to take this supplement because this is low on my labs. You know, it's like this.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:32:52]:
Like this because of this, you know, which is more intellectual and whatever. But then you're sort of not going into that body space where the condition is being held and getting curious about, like, okay, but what's happening there? What's happening in that space where this condition is actually existing, you know, and where does that. Where does that come from? And. But you said it so perfectly, and I want to highlight it again, which is that everyone's puzzle that comes together is different. You know, all these pieces are different. And I think the thing that I, as I mentioned to you before we started recording, the thing that I like to highlight in this podcast, is nervous system work is at the core, right? It's a foundation because if your nervous system is activated even on that low, kind of, like, low level all the time, like just a little bit of activation. Right? Like, because of not being your authentic self or because there's just that little incongruent thing that's constantly kind of just keeping you in a state of fight or flight or whatever it is, or it's a lot of stress, whatever, right? But if you are constantly, if your nervous system is constantly shifted, or more often than not, shifted into a state of activation, your body cannot heal when you're in that state. Your body cannot heal when you're in a state of fight or flight.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:34:02]:
Physiologically, like, this is just like physiology 101. Your body is shifted into different ways of functioning. Every organ system functions differently. The nervous system touches every cell in your body and is telling them to operate differently when you're in a state of fight or flight. And so in order to heal, in order for the other things you're doing, like nutrition and supplements and medications or whatever it is, though, that foundation level of a regulated, safe nervous system has to be in place in order for those things to actually work. Think about, you know, for example, your gut shuts down when you're in a state of fight or flight. Like, literally, the muscles function differently, things slow down, you're not absorbing super well. The example, the thing I always say is, you don't need to eat a cheeseburger when a bear is chasing you.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:34:47]:
You know, your gut is like, you could eat that later. Let's just get away from the bear. And so if you are constipated, for example, and you're taking laxatives, sure, that's going to help you go. But there's that underlying dysfunction there in the nerve, like the nervous system is, I shouldn't even say dysfunction. There's a good reason. Your nervous system is like, we're going to pause the gut and get away from the bear, and then we'll turn the gut back online when the bear is gone. But if the bear never goes away because we're chronically stressed, then our gut is never going to start working again. So it's that, like, those other pieces are all important and all, you know, they all serve a purpose, and many of them are going to be part of what pushes us finally over that line of healing and getting to a symptom free place.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:35:29]:
But that nervous system piece has to be, has to be there. It just has to be. There's no, there's no negotiating that, right? And so I think that's what se is for a lot of people. It's like, aha. That is the, you know, the kind of, that little, it's like very subtle, but very big in terms of the shift in the way of thinking about your body and thinking about your illness that has to kind of shift.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:35:52]:
Hi everyone, Doctor Erin here. So by now you're starting to get an idea of some of what the sacred illness paradigm is all about. The sacred illness paradigm is all about this question of what is your illness inviting you to become. What is it that lies within each of us that allows some of us to acquire so called spontaneous healing or remissions? And what is the key to unlocking that innate self healing capacity in each and every one of us, the sacred illness. This blueprint is something that I developed as a guide to help you walk through this process step by step to learn how to move deeper and deeper within yourself, to find these layers of dysregulation, of trauma, of limiting beliefs of things that you're holding within your system that are keeping you small, stuck and sick. Ultimately, if we ignore the mind body connection and are not exploring the ways in which our nervous system continues to be dysregulated or in a chronic state of activation and stress, any healing modality that we put into our body from the outside in is going to be less effective, if not effective at all. So if you are currently feeling stuck, lost, confused or disillusioned in your healing journey, feeling like you have tried so many things, you have tried so many modalities, you have worked with so many providers, and you're just not seeing the results you want, know that this is normal and of course, you're nothing. Because this foundational mind body connection is often, if not always, missed in all of these modalities.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:37:18]:
And just like we can't build a house on top of sand, our healing cannot grow and blossom and be strong and successful if the foundation is not laid first. So rather than doing something different, but similar to everything you have tried before and expecting different results, I encourage you to consider doing something different altogether. This is where I invite you to explore the sacred Illness group coaching program. This is a low cost monthly membership option that I have created. It's constantly open, constantly enrolling where you can begin to explore this completely different way of engaging in your health, in your body, in your illness and in your healing process. What is provided inside this group coaching program is the blueprint that lays the foundation and lays the path out for you to follow, to begin to explore these deeper aspects of health, to truly get at the root of what is causing your illness and from there, allowing all other modalities to blossom so that you can actually start to see the changes and the healing take place in your body that you have been expecting and wanting all along. If you're ready and want to learn more, head on over to aurorasomatic.com. and at the top of the screen, click on group coaching where you can read all about it and become a member.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:38:27]:
Today, I can't wait to see you on the inside. And for now, let's get back to the podcast.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:38:35]:
It sounds like that awareness that you started to gather about yourself, of recognizing like, yeah, I'm constantly in this global high intensity. I'm constantly having these big reactions to triggers or perceived threats. And we have to. It's kind of interesting. Like it almost has to start intellectually, like we have to kind of understand what's happening, but then we have to shift it into our body and start to embody it and do things like you were talking about all these tools and things we can do to start to actually change how we're responding to stressors, to start to change that reaction, to change that impulse, to immediately react where we're starting to slow it down and have a different response and tell our nervous system a different story. I appreciate your saying that. All these little pieces came together that added up for you and it sounds like symptom free. Is that prepared to say, I am.
Faegann Harlow [00:39:25]:
I am? I think as of like maybe about three years ago.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:39:31]:
Wow.
Faegann Harlow [00:39:32]:
And at that time, at three years ago, I just had one symptom left, which was chronic fatigue. And I couldn't stand for more than 2 hours at a time and 4 hours a day was the max I had. And it's phenomenal to me. And I hear you, Erin. It really is that puzzle piece. It's going to be so unique and so individual and finding what resonates to our system and our experience. And I was just so fortunate, so grateful to have come across somatic experiencing and in just a short period of time, which again, can be unique to each individual, but was phenomenal that there was this kind of last symptom that was really hanging on in this learning of my system. Exactly.
Faegann Harlow [00:40:21]:
There's that intellectual capacity of recognizing, okay, kind of what's happening. Can I meet that with the nutrition and the herbs and support the system in that way? And there is that shift that occurs of like, oh, no. Like really tending to the body, really listening what's, what's happening within you? What's that response system and slowing that down? It's a journey into the self that is unlike any other I've ever experienced. And I could not speak more highly of how nervous system regulation and somatic experience specifically has been such a game changer.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:41:01]:
It's so phenomenal. And it's so hard for me to even describe how because people will often ask me, like, what does a session look like? And I'm like, it's so hard to characterize because it's so different every single time. You know, like the way that it goes and the things that people experience. But, you know, it is just a really uniquely amazingly effective tool at getting in there and just helping things shift, you know, like right off the bat. And like you said, it doesn't always mean that the symptom goes away immediately. Although I have seen that in within sessions with folks, like, things are like a ten out of ten and then it's like a six or four, you know, like, it dramatically can drop, but it is still that, like, every, every time you're going into the nervous system and every time you're finding layers of things that you're holding in the body and ways that you don't feel safe and stories that you're telling yourself and all of those things, every time you go in there and shine a light on one of them, that's healing. You're healing, right? Like, you are shifting yourself in a certain direction and it might be a subtle shift that you don't really notice, but it's. It's adding up.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:42:03]:
It's going to add up over time. Right. And sometimes, like I said, I would say most of the time, people will feel, yeah, at least some decreasing of the symptom within a session. You know, like anxiety will come down or they'll just feel more calm or just, you know, it's like, it's like expanding space around the experience. Right? Like, you can have more space for that, that experience that you're having. So, yeah, I just. I'm so happy when people discover my mind body medicine and the nervous system work in general, but specifically se just because I'm biased and I think it's amazing. So I can concur.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:42:37]:
Yes, 100%. So I wanted to come back around to also this idea of working with alternative therapies, not plant medicine. But you had mentioned naturopathic medicine because I'm a naturopath first. And that's what kind of like, got me into, like I started seeing in my patients, like something is missing, something is missing, something is missing. And I did a lot of mind body training in school, so I knew that that was a piece. But I really, like, jumped in hardcore when I got into the se stuff, so I just wanted to kind of highlight that where. And I'm curious if this was your experience. Like, when we start to exit the conventional way of treating stuff, start looking for alternatives, a lot of us do end up going to a naturopathic doctor, because that's kind of like the alternative doctor.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:43:19]:
And then I think it can be really, I don't know. I don't want to put words to people's experiences, but for me, as a naturopath, doing this work, right, like, I was seeing naturopathic doctors for my own autoimmune condition. And it can be sort of scary or disheartening when the alternative doesn't get you there either, right? Because you're like, well, crap, what's left? You know, like, the conventional thing helped a little bit, but I'm still sick. The naturopathic natural alternative thing helped a little bit, but I'm still sick. And I think that can be really scary for folks when they go to even out of their comfort zone. I think a lot of people go to naturopathic doctors out of their comfort zone, but they're desperate for help. Um, what was your experience with that? Or, you know, maybe you already knew about se and stuff while you were seeing the naturopath, but how was that for you?
Faegann Harlow [00:44:03]:
I had a comfort around naturopathic medicine just because I'd had a background in holistic medicine, actually straight out of high school. So I had a lot of tools in my toolkit in terms of natural self care, as I experienced, and all these symptoms start to ramp up. So, thankfully, I was in a position where I was comfortable visiting a naturopath. But I totally recognize, even doing this work, that that's not always the case for individuals. And so that can be out of our comfort zone. I had a great. We actually have one of the top naturopathic schools in San Diego. And so I would go into what they call their student clinic, and we'd have, you know, maybe three or four naturopaths that were different layers of, you know, their.
Faegann Harlow [00:44:48]:
Their years of students. And then there would be the overseeing doctor. So I felt really comforted in the fact that there was, like, multiple eyes that were kind of looking at this and, you know, chiming in, and I got to learn with them. So it was kind of a cool experience in that regard. But there was that element of disheartening when we would run certain tests, and they'd come back and be like, okay, well, this isn't what we were thinking, and we're not sure again. And so it was just this process that occurred for several years. And I got to a place where it finally was just like, okay, I'm doing all the things herbally, I'm doing all the things nutritionally, and I'm still experiencing these symptoms. And so that's when I just kind of was just like, really? I'm just going to start listening to my body, right.
Faegann Harlow [00:45:33]:
I can keep outsourcing all the time for this level of care. And sometimes there's the time and a place that's exactly what we need. And I got to just a juncture where it was like, okay, no, I think I need to start doing some of the inner investigation to see what my body is really trying to tell me.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:45:51]:
100%. I love that. Yeah. And so I think it like, the thing I always want people to hear is like, there's so, well, it's like a blessing and a curse that there's so many options for healing. And again, I like to simplify it. Like, that nervous system piece has to be one of the things you're doing. If it's the only thing you're doing, great, because that's going to get you a lot of the way there. And having gone to naturopathic medicine school, there's so many different ideas and ways to practice.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:46:20]:
And again, that can be like, okay, few because I haven't gotten the help I needed yet. Or it can be like, oh my gosh, okay, but I'm so burnt out on seeing practitioners. So my thing is always coming back to making sure that nervous system piece is there and then just finding someone that you really like practicing with who can maybe support those other pieces. But naturopathic medicine is interesting because we have something called the therapeutic order. It's kind of like our, you know, this is how we work with people. You know, you start here and you, you move up. This order at the very top is surgery, which, you know, most of us don't do or can't even do because our license doesn't allow for it. And then, you know, you kind of work your way down through and through severity, so to speak.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:46:55]:
The very first thing in the therapeutic order is to remove obstacles to cure, which means what is in the body that is blocking the healing, this the innate healing process from taking place. So for me, I'm like, well, that's the nervous system, right? Like, if the nervous system is not firing and wiring correctly, or not even correctly, but in a way that is conducive for health and healing because it doesn't feel safe, that is an obstacle to cure. To heal. And so we have to remove those obstacles, which, again, comes back to trauma and limiting beliefs and not showing up in a certain way and all of those things that are keeping us feeling stuck and unsafe, we have to work with those things first. And I think it's something that a lot of us as naturopaths have gotten away from just because it's, you know, you can't do all of it. You can't be a jack of all trades, which is fine. I can't do it. That's why I specialize, because I tried to do it all, and I was like, nope, got to do just one thing.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:47:49]:
So it's finding that way that you're going to work with your nervous system and then adding on the other pieces as they fit and are supportive of that. But we have to remove the obstacles to cure first. That is the first thing. And then from there, we can add on the herbs and the nutrition and the this and that and the other thing. But I think we have it backwards. Like the therapeutic order, it's almost like in the conventional world, we're starting with surgery and medications and, you know, these kind of, like, higher end things, and then we're slowly like, well, that didn't work. And then we, like, end up at the nervous system piece. So it's like, can we flip the script here? And like, you know, how phenomenal would that be if we just started with, like, well, what's going on in your body? You know, like, what? How are you feeling in your body? How are you feeling in your life? How are you feeling in general? What is your story? You know, like, five minute appointments with doctors is not going to ever get at the core of what's happening in a person's body.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:48:41]:
So, yeah, so, anyway, I just wanted to kind of put that out there, too, because I think people can get really disillusioned or just burnt out. You know, like, they just get exhausted and trust plummets. And so it's easy to give up if you've seen too many people and you're like, okay, I'm just going to be sick.
Faegann Harlow [00:48:57]:
I love that perspective, Erin, of, you know, kind of flipping the approach on its head. And if we started with mind body medicine and we really got curious about what is happening in the body and the nervous system, because I hear you, that inflammation as a result of the nervous system dysregulation, and as you mentioned earlier, it's doing exactly what it needs to be doing. It's supporting and helping us. And also, if we start to give it that space and the practices and the awareness of what is happening on that subtle level that our bodies communicating with us. It does start to bridge that mind body connection. And I know for myself that would have been a much gentler, more invitational approach to my wellness journey that could have facilitated or saved rather a lot of that burnout. Right. A lot of the frustration.
Faegann Harlow [00:49:55]:
So I'm 100% with you. I think if we could start with this mind body medicine and get curious about the nervous system far earlier in the process, we could, like you said, just eliminate what is kind of impeding that natural, innate healing process that the body wants.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:50:10]:
Absolutely. Yeah. And that's why I call this sacred illness. Right. Because it is. Illness is like a red flag of like, stop, you know, change course, slow down, tune in, reconnect. It's asking us to come back into our bodies again. That's a script flip, too, of like, not immediately thinking, oh, my gosh, illness bad.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:50:31]:
Get rid of it, cut it out of our body, suppress it with medications. Because if you think about it, the top of that ladder, those high end interventions are really fear based. Right. It's like, get it away, stop it, by all means. And not to say that illness is not uncomfortable, not damaging. Right. Obviously, we want it to go away. We don't want it to just hang out and wreak havoc.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:50:53]:
But, so it's not do nothing, but it's do it differently. Right. Approach it differently. Approach it with curiosity, see it as a really unpleasant good thing. Like it's a, it's a, it's really uncomfortable and. But it. We wouldn't tune in if it wasn't. Right.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:51:09]:
Like, that's the whole thing with illness. Like it's getting your attention and it's saying you have to stop. Sometimes literally, it stops us in our tracks. Like you said, with your chronic fatigue. And that was just one of your many symptoms. Like, but that one was like, you get 4 hours and that's it, right. And so it's like, okay, clearly, you know, that's going to stop your life from, from moving in a certain direction until it's addressed, right? But you. So it's forcing you to look at it in that way.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:51:33]:
And I think that's where, again, like, there's these two doors we can choose the familiar door, which is whatever medicine we grew up around and what we're comfortable with. And that might help a little bit or some. And I guess, and there's this other door that's saying, you know, we can, we can either try to get rid of it, or we can try to tune into it and work with it versus against it and get curious about where is it coming from. But that door doesn't even exist in most lives. Right. The way we're talking about this is, I guess, radical in a sense. It's a very different way of thinking about illness and saying, this is an opportunity not only to feel better. Right.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:52:12]:
Which obviously is the goal of any healing journey, is to feel better, but to really get to know yourself again, to find yourself, and in some cases, find yourself for the first time. Because if some of. If we were born into an unsafe situation, we never really had that sense of self from the get go. So I guess maybe on that note, I'm curious, like, who is fagin now? Like, what is she, like, what does she do? How does she spend her time? Like, what does life look like for you nowadays?
Faegann Harlow [00:52:38]:
Yeah, thank you for the question. I think actually, even just kind of responding to what you're just speaking to is falling in love with the process of self discovery that truly. And the words I find myself continuously coming back to is like, self intimacy, like illness, really, is that opportunity to learn ourselves at such deeper, more nuanced layers. And originally, that felt really terrifying for me, but now I would say, fagan, weird to talk to myself in the third person, but, yeah, now it's just falling in love with the self discovery process. Like, how cool is it that I get to reparent myself, that I get to be a true lover to myself? Like, can I adore and be in awe and be fascinated and appreciate and respect and all these things that I would want, you know, from this outward kind of dynamic, can I give that to myself? Right. And I think it's this really beautiful invitation to be our best partner, be our best friend for our lives. Yeah. So I think that's at the forefront.
Faegann Harlow [00:53:52]:
And, you know, the beautiful thing about this journey is, and I think there was this inkling of knowingness as this whole kind of big pivot was occurring in my life is. I know I mentioned that I had a background in holistic arts. I had gone to bodywork school, holistic health school right out of high school. So I'd always done this on the side. And to me, it was just kind of this career that was just kind of like, oh, it just allowed me to continue to train and. And whatnot. And it pushed that to the center, and it was just like, know, this. This is what we're supposed to be doing.
Faegann Harlow [00:54:29]:
And it allowed me to really start to find a joy not only in my. In my self discovery process, but also start to support other individuals that were walking similar journeys, walking similar paths of, you know, to be able to have that true sense of community, that true sense of belonging, places of non judgment and safety. These elements, I think, are so necessary in terms of our, you know, health and wellness culture. Can we provide spaces of agency and autonomy in the wellness space? And that became really important for me because you encounter so much of it and, you know, in your own, or I did in my own illness journey. So that recognition of, like, okay, how can I provide spaces of that nature for others?
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:55:25]:
So beautiful. And it's so interesting to me how so many of us do end up in this place of wanting to kind of like, pay it forward, you know, it like, changes our lives so much that we end up becoming healers, practitioners, whatever advocates, you know, just in our own right, because it's. It's transformative, right? It changes. It changes the way in which you see the world, the lens through which you see the world, the way you show up in your own body and your own life. And not saying that everyone's going to, but I think in some way it infuses into how you. I mean, obviously it's changing how you're showing up in the world. And so whether that is directly through, like, the work that you're deciding to do or just, you know, the relationships you hold, whatever. But I think it's so beautiful that so many of us do end up doing this kind of work to help basically spread that awareness.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:56:09]:
And you had, I had written down things that you were saying as you were sharing your story at the beginning, and one of the things you had said was, can I just be. Be enough, be whole, be perfect, just who I am? And it sounds like maybe not perfect, right? But, like, things are always a work in progress, but it feels like you are embodying that more than ever these days. And, you know, you have your health and your new life to show for it. So it's just such a beautiful, just a beautiful arc. Right. You know, and I think it just really highlights that the healing journey and I. How that grief and that loss and all of the pain that we go through in the beginning really is worth it if we can stay with it. Right? It's so hard.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:56:52]:
It's so hard to choose the unknown. It's so hard to, like I said, willingly choose loss and grief and change and transformation, especially because we don't know where it's going. We don't know how it's going to look or if it's going to work or any of those things. But again, this podcast serves to be that, that kind of beacon, I guess, of saying it is possible these things happen. We do get to this place, and if we can do it, so can you. So I just, I thank you so much, Faegann, for being here and sharing your story and sharing. I just am so inspired by everything that we talked about. And again, that just perfect metaphor of, you know, I was performing and I just needed to be myself and all of the ways in which you found your way back to who that is.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:57:35]:
And you have a practice medisoma, right. And so I will be linking that in the show notes and just so everyone knows it's co not. So don't put that in incorrectly or you might end up somewhere else. But do you want to speak a little bit about. I know you just did, but kind of specifically the work you're offering through Medisoma.
Faegann Harlow [00:57:54]:
Yeah. Thank you. And thank you honestly, just for the reflection, the space to be able to share and connect and speak to these really powerful life journey. So I just want to thank you for that, Erin.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:58:06]:
Absolutely.
Faegann Harlow [00:58:07]:
So, yeah, I have a practice. I'm based out of San Diego. I do also work online, and I utilize a lot of bodywork as kind of a central focus. But working with, you know, musculoskeletal conditions that are, tend to be related to kind of these autoimmune expressions. And so giving that touch capacity, that space of touch for those that are working through physical expressions that might be kind of overlooked even in a sports medicine space. So when we're having recurring injuries that are just now all of a sudden constant or they're starting to get magnified, I work with, again, the overlay of autoimmune and connective tissue diseases, things of that nature. And I also support people that are working with plant medicines in part of this journey. So sometimes that would be with working with, like, things like combo that are working with autoimmune aspects from that kind of point of view.
Faegann Harlow [00:59:11]:
So I like to weave all of that in with somatic experiencing lens system at the focus and have, you know, that ability for touch for specific conditions that, that might really benefit with it.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:59:24]:
That's so incredible. I love that. And I think that's, that's my favorite way that people bring se into their world is weaving it into all these other. Because I think it just, they, they blend so well, like bringing that body piece in with these other modalities. That sounds like such a powerful, powerful offerings that you have. And is all of this available on your website where player people can sign up with you? Okay. Excellent. Well, again, thank you so much for being here, for sharing your story.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:59:48]:
And I until next time, we'll see you then.
Faegann Harlow [00:59:51]:
Thank you so much.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:59:54]:
Thanks so much for tuning in to another episode of the Sacred Illness podcast. If you find this information shared here inspirational and educational, please share it with those you think would benefit from this work. To take this work deeper yourself, check out our website, www.aurorasomatic.com, where you can explore our coaching community and course options. And don't forget to subscribe to this channel where new content is coming out all the time, intended to inspire, awaken, and help you deepen your relationship with yourself, your life, and your world. We'll see you next time.
