Dr. Erin Hayford [00:00:02]:
So the big question is, we know spontaneous remissions and so called miracle cures exist. We also know they aren't so spontaneous after all. I'm living proof of this. Having cured my quote unquote incurable illness, there's something to how this happens. So how do we, as humans with chronic symptoms, tap into this so called miraculous healing capacity? That is the question, and this podcast will give you the answers. My name is Doctor Erin Hayford, and.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:00:32]:
Welcome to the sacred illness podcast. Before we begin today's episode, just my standard medical disclaimer. This podcast is intended for educational and informational purposes only. The content should not be considered a.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:00:45]:
Substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:00:49]:
Always consult with a qualified healthcare professional.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:00:52]:
Regarding any medical concerns. Hey, everyone, and welcome to another episode of the Sacred Illness podcast. I'm Doctor Erin, and I'm actually flying solo today. I'm going to be recording a solo episode, episode as sort of an update on where I'm at in my own health journey and some introspections and reflections that I've been having as of late, as it stands, or as it pertains to my own health. So, just to catch everyone up so that we're starting at the same place. Many of you know that my health journey, my healing journey, started back in my twenties when I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. This is an autoimmune condition that can impact any part of the gut. Mine happened to land in my small intestine, which is a very common place for Crohn's to manifest.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:01:36]:
So when I was diagnosed, I was told, essentially my options were medication for the rest of my life to suppress my immune system, to calm down the autoimmune response, which is when your immune system is attacking your own body. So my immune system was attacking my gut. So they wanted to put me on immunosuppressive medications for the rest of my life, and also was essentially told, you know, surgery was likely going to happen at some point in my journey, because that's how the trajectory of most folks with these inflammatory bowel diseases, or ibds, typically lead to some sort of surgery. Not always, but often. And even in my twenties, when I was that age, I was 2021 years old somewhere in there. And I just refused to accept that that was going to be my story, that that was going to be the rest of my life. And I really think that a lot of it was. I often will say, you know, was it denial or Washington? Did I have some sort of, like, you know, intuitive inner knowing? I really feel like it was a combination of both, because part of my illness picture was self denial.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:02:43]:
Sort of ignoring myself, suppressing things, keeping things down, not allowing things to be bad. I'm recognizing more and more and more that I have this propensity or tendency to put on this face of, like, everything is fine, everything is great, as essentially a defense mechanism so that people don't look at me. Right. Not that I don't mind people looking at me, just generally, like, you know, like, in a literal sense, but more in this more deep way. I didn't want people to see these tender parts of me that were sort of, you know, so called imperfect from the way that I felt about them or bad or wrong or messed up or just, like, not okay, right? And when I got sick, it was this really obvious thing of, like, something is really not okay with you. And I didn't like that. I didn't like the fact that I couldn't really hide this not okay ness because of my illness. And so I think, again, the natural tendency then, for when I got diagnosed was to kind of push it away, you know, like, no big deal.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:03:42]:
This is not a big deal. And I remember when I got diagnosed, my parents having this really big reaction to it. Like, oh, my God, this is awful. You know, like, they had a lot of feelings coming up around it. And I remember just pushing it away. Like I was just ignoring their response. I was ignoring how they were reacting to it because I didn't want to feel like I was not okay. And as I was reflecting on this recently, I recognized that that is one of the core, if not, like, the core core wound in my psyche, in my soul, in my nervous system, whatever you want to call it.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:04:17]:
This feeling of something not being okay with me not being enough and having this feeling of, again, like, I have to basically compensate for that by showing up in the world in a way that just proves that I'm okay, to prove how good, how enough, how everything is okay in myself, in my life, in my body. And ultimately, that I believe and know that that was one of the major, if not the major causes of my illness. This constant holding everything inside. When something bad would happen externally, I would just push it into my body and be very neutral, non reactive. You know, my enneagram type, if you guys are into the enneagram, is a type nine, which is the peacemaker. So I have this capacity, it's a gift to, like, help make peace in conflicting situations. Right? Like, I'm really good at seeing all sides and helping people find middle ground. But when there was conflict between.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:05:17]:
When I was involved in the conflict, when there was something to do with me or things around me, I would often kind of sacrifice myself, so to speak, for the sake of making peace. And one of a really. One of the really clear examples of this, which is, like, I kind of surprised that I'm going to share this, but my. When I was in high school, my first serious boyfriend cheated on me, and I denied it forever and ever and ever because I was part of that pattern, right? Like, no, that didn't happen. That couldn't happen. There's no way. Everything is fine. This relationship is perfect.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:05:48]:
Eventually, I found out that it was like, I finally came to terms with the fact that it was true. And I was at a party. It was like we had all graduated high school. Everyone was going their separate ways, and it was like the last hurrah for my class. And so I was at this party, and the girl that my boyfriend cheated on with was there, and I made a point to go up to her and give her a hug and be like, it's all good. It's all good. Don't worry about it. Right? Like, not that she even cared, because she wasn't even trying to, like, make up with me or make amends with me, but that internal drive, that peacemaker inside of me for everything to be okay and no one to be mad and for me to be completely, like, you know, just this okay person in everyone's eyes.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:06:30]:
Like, I had this deep desire to make things okay with her before I left. And I feel, like, for me, again, on reflection, it just shows, like, how extreme that need was for me to be okay, to feel okay for things to be at peace, for there to not be conflict, and for me to essentially compensate or overcompensate for this internal story of, you're not okay, there's something really wrong with you. So where are we now? Right? So this is my story. That was a lot of the internal, limiting beliefs that I carried that eventually manifested into my disease. When I got diagnosed with my disease, with Crohn's disease, I fell into that pattern again. It's fine. It's fine. Nothing is nothing to see here, folks.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:07:14]:
But something inside of me still got turned on in terms of thinking, like, well, but what is this, you know? And how can I truly make it okay? How can I truly transmute this darkness, so to speak, this pain, this discomfort, this disease that's inside of my body? Undeniably so. I had incredible symptoms, right? There was no I think that's why I hated it so much, is because there was no denying that I was sick. I couldn't go anywhere without being sure there was a bathroom nearby or, you know, going out to eat or eating food. I just was constantly, like, bloated and uncomfortable. It was just. It ruined everything. Like, I just could not have a normal life because of my crohn's. So there was no denying that it was there.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:07:53]:
So there was this interesting dynamic of, like, my body being like, hello, hello, hello. You know, like, very obviously trying to get my attention and my compensation of, like, everything is fine, everything is fine. Everything is fine. Trying to come back on top of that. And they were at odds for a very, very long time. And despite me denying it or trying to suppress it or cover it up, it was almost like through that, through the way that I was responding to it, it was forcing me to find ways to actually make it fine. You know, it was like, okay, if you really want to be fine, if you really want people to think that you're okay, you've got to actually do something about it this time, because your normal way of dealing with this is not working. You know, like, technically, things were working out okay in my life up until that point.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:08:38]:
Like, me denying that things were bad, me denying that I was upset, denying my anger, denying boundaries or whatever that was in order to make peace and make people happy and be okay, be enough for everybody. That was working to an extent. Like, I wasn't having any sort of, like, negative reactions per se. Obviously, I was deeply unhappy in my core because of that pattern I was living, but I wasn't sick, right? And so then when I got sick, suddenly that pattern, that way of being in the world, that compensation was no longer working. I could not do it because the symptoms were so significant. And so, in a sense, my illness forced me into okay again. You know, if you're truly going to pretend like everything's fine or if you're truly, you know, gonna show up as if everything is fine, it actually has to be fine this time, because you can't keep playing this game, right? You can't pretend that things are fine and then run to the bathroom 5 seconds later. So, long story short, I went, you know, I studied all these different modalities.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:09:38]:
I started to study nutrition, herbal medicine, naturopathic medicine, and then eventually got into the mind body world, which is where I found, figured out that I had experienced childhood trauma and that my nervous system was wired for survival. And constantly being in that dynamic of pretending like everything was fine and overcompensating and being the peacemaker and being who people needed me to be was what was making me sick. That was, you know, at the end of this extensive search for what is truly gonna make me okay. This is what I found, and that's what led into the sacred illness paradigm that I now teach, etcetera, etcetera. I'll get to that later. Anyway, point being, most recently in the last month, I guess it's been a month. This is August 16, 2024, that I'm recording this. So, sometime in July, I had a flare up.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:10:29]:
And so when I first got sick, it was bad. Like, I was very sick. I was very weak. I was incredibly anemic. I couldn't, like I said, get away from a bathroom. Like, no foods were tolerable. I just felt terrible all the time. So it was significant, and I couldn't ignore it.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:10:46]:
I've had, like, little things here and there, but when I say that my condition went into remission once I figured out the mind body piece, I mean that, like, yeah, I, like, was having normal bowel movements. I wasn't bloated all the time. I could eat pretty much anything without there being a reaction. I didn't have constant pain. So my. Like I said, my crohn's was in my intestine, and it was specifically in the area of my right hip, which is an intersection where your small intestine meets your large intestine. And so right in that area, I had constant, constant pain, swelling, super tender to the touch. Like, it just was an angry part of my body.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:11:22]:
So that was part of all of the initial disease presentation. And so when I started to work on the mind body piece and, you know, work on lifestyle and all the things that came together to help heal my condition, all of those things went away. And like I said, I would have things here and there. Like, I would sometimes get bloated or sometimes have, you know, like, diarrhea type issues, but those happen to everyone. And so what I had to figure out was sometimes Gi stuff happens, and it's not a flare up, right? So that was something that I had to work to tease apart, which is something that I find a lot of us have challenges with. Like, it's normal to have symptoms sometimes. Every time you have a symptom doesn't mean you're having a flare up. So, hopefully that helps some people to distinguish, like, sometimes we're going to feel sick, right? That doesn't always mean that everything is failing and whatever, like, healing does not equate to perfect health constantly, always, or else you're not healed.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:12:14]:
So I would have GI symptoms, but it was not a flare up. So hopefully that distinction makes sense. However, last month I had a flare up because. And the way I'm distinguishing that is because I was having pain in that area. It was tender to the touch. It was inflamed. I could feel it. I was very bloated.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:12:31]:
I was having a lot of food intolerances that I used to have. Like, onions and garlic were just, like, huge no nos for me back when I was sick. And I suddenly was, like, not tolerating them again, which we cook a lot with garlic powder and onion powder and things like that in our food. So it was very obvious that I was not tolerating them. Bowel changes, right? In, like, brain fog, tiredness, muscle aches, and pains that I used to have all came back. I initially was kind of horrified because I teach this for a living, right? Like, my whole. All of my work is built around this idea that we can heal our bodies. And so I was like, oh, my God, I'm a fraud.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:13:13]:
Like, I am a literal fraud because I teach this, and yet here I am, sick. Like, what am I? What do I do? What do I do? And it's interesting because obviously, I've done a lot of work. I've come a long way in my journey. I've come a lot. Like, who I was when I first got sick is not who I am now. I'm a very different person. However, that sneaky little old coping mechanism of pretending like everything was fine came back immediately, and I was kind of shocked to observe that. And because of the work I've done, I was able to have kind of an objective perspective on what was happening.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:13:48]:
Like, I was observing the way in which I was, you know, kind of thinking and feeling about everything that was happening. And I was seeing myself kind of instantaneously move into this space of, like, I have to pretend like this isn't happening. Like, no one can know. I didn't even want my husband to know at first. Like, I was terrified for him to know. I didn't want anyone to know because I wanted the option of, like, not letting on that I'm not perfect, right? So that, like, compensation of, like, I'm fine. Everything is fine. Don't worry about me.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:14:17]:
Don't look at me like there's nothing wrong here. I'm happy. Life is good. Ha ha ha. Right? That was kind of the. I wanted to have that option in case I decided to, like, you know, in case it, like, ended quickly and I could just pretend like it never happened after a few days. So I sat with it for a few days of, like, freaking out. Like, oh, my God, I can't believe this is happening.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:14:38]:
I'm such a fraud. Blah, blah, blah. I started to recognize. I mean, I almost. It's almost like I had to, like, remind myself of the work that I do. So the first thing I had to remember was, I don't talk about healing in the sense of, like I said earlier, perfection. Like, when someone, quote unquote, heals their body, that doesn't mean that you are symptom free forever and ever and ever for the rest of your life. It also doesn't mean that you can't have flare ups.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:15:04]:
Healed does not mean perfection, because that just does not exist to me. Healing is about wholeness. That's the. The word that I will use the most. And wholeness is having this complete, sort of in depth, intimate relationship with yourself where you are kind of like what I was saying. Like, you're able to have, like, observe yourself. You're able to be with yourself and recognize, be present to kind of the thoughts and the feelings and the reactions and things that are coming up in any given moment and have this way of working with it so you can have a response and have a reaction. But there's also this sort of objectivity that's present where you can say, oh, look at that response.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:15:45]:
Isn't that interesting? I wonder what's coming up for me. What do I need to do with this? Kind of, like, what I was saying with, when I was observing myself immediately go into that space of like, oh, everything's fine. Don't tell anyone. Don't let anyone know that you're not doing well. And so I recognized that, okay, wholeness can actually include flare ups, because when you allow for wholeness to be your definition of healed, it basically means that you are allowing imperfections as much as so called perfections. Right. Wholeness is encompassing all of what it means to be human and not denying it, not pushing it away, not having unhealthy, so to speak, coping mechanisms. Right.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:16:25]:
It's about allowing things to be what they are. I feel like that is really the epitome of the work that I do, is helping people really feel at home with who you are right now, with how things are showing up right now, and recognizing that everything, literally everything in your body and in your mind and in the way that you are showing up in the world. Right? Now there for a reason. And so when I was able to give myself some of my own medicine, I was reflecting back on, well, okay, so my illness is flaring up. And when I think about this, when I think about the work that I do, what is the reason for that? Okay, well, clearly there's a nervous system piece, because that's what I found before. And when I worked on that nervous system piece before and started regulating my system and helping to release a lot of these limiting beliefs and things that were keeping me stuck in a state of survival, that's when I got relief. So what is it that's putting my system into survival right now? Why is my system, more often than not, in a state of activation, in a state of fight or flight? What is causing my system to activate, to basically start turning on itself again, turning on this autoimmune reaction? What am I holding in my body that's not coming out? And so a lot of, you know, in June, early June, I had a baby. He's wonderful.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:17:43]:
He's actually beside me napping right now. You might have heard him hiccuping earlier. And when I gave birth to him, it was lovely and wonderful. He's been an amazing baby, and it's been a very challenging transition because we have a three year old. He is in the throes of what it means to be three for those who don't have kids, you know, I mean, we've all heard of the terrible twos. Three has actually been more challenging for us as parents. And he's been going through a lot of mood changes. You know, three is where a lot of autonomous behavior starts to come forward, where no becomes a big thing.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:18:16]:
They're really trying to figure out their boundaries and how they want to show up in the world. And so we've just been butting heads a lot. There's a lot of anger, there's a lot of yelling. There's a lot of tantrums, like, just, you know, there's a lot of big, big reactions. And toddlers. I mean, really, human beings up until the age of 25 are developing their nervous system and their brain. Those things are not done developing until 25 years old. Zero to seven is where a lot of that nervous system regulation is getting laid down, including beliefs and ways of showing up in the world.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:18:47]:
And he's incredibly dysregulated. That's the whole idea behind co regulation, is that a child who literally has no capacity for regulation needs to have that modeled and given to them to help bring their system back into a state of regulation. So essentially we have this little being in our home who is constantly having these massive reactions to things that, like, to us, don't seem like a big deal, but to him it's everything and that's normal and that's fine. And my rational brain completely understands it. And I'm, you know, my husband and I are doing our best to constantly meet him where he's at and helping him co regulate. And on good days, we do it great, you know, like, I'm proud of how we're showing up for him, but it's exhausting and it's challenging and it's constant. Right. Like that is, I think one of the hardest things that I'm going through right now is that his tantrums are relentless.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:19:39]:
There's no, there's no relief. Like, you can have a tantrum and things calm down and then it's like, okay, phew. And then like 5 seconds later, something can trigger him and he goes back up. Right? Because I think what we're used to with adult relationships is you can get triggered and you kind of work through it and then you're normally good for a while, right? Unless you're just, whatever. Point being that it's just relentless. And so I was reflecting on this and recognizing my nervous system is very sensitive. I'm a very sensitive person. And then there's that peacemaker part of me that really wants to work hard to make everything okay.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:20:16]:
And then there's the childhood trauma piece of living in a home where things were unpredictable, right? Big outbursts could happen at any time. You never knew what was going to make someone mad. So there was this constant, like, walking on eggshells feeling. So it's basically this perfect storm that came together. And the reason I mentioned giving birth to my new son is because, as anyone who has more than one child will know, bringing another kid into the house is a big deal. It's a huge adjustment. So you have already this dysregulated little dysregulated nervous system that's trying to figure out the world in general. And then you bring in, like, a sibling who all of a sudden, you know, parents are not completely giving you all the attention.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:20:53]:
And some is going over to this other little boy. It's a lot. So his tantrums kind of escalated to a higher level. And so it's this perfect storm of constantly being around something that is reminiscent of childhood that walking on eggshells, feeling my complete incapacity to make the peace. Right. There's nothing I can do to make it stop. It's not like you help a child co regulate and you teach them how to regulate, and then that's it. It's.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:21:19]:
That's how that works, unfortunately, right? It's this constant, ongoing endeavor. And so, you know, my whole thing as a child was, as the peacemaker child, I would do things to appease whoever was upset, and it worked, right? And then things were good and calm, and it was like, okay, phew. I did my job. Things are calm. And in this world that I'm in now, when I can't. When that job is not working, when I can't make the peace, when I can't make things calm, it feels very activating to my system. It triggers a lot of wounds. There's a lot going on in my system.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:21:51]:
So all of those things came together to basically put my nervous system into a chronic state of fight or flight. And so I think, just for definition sake, we hear a lot thrown out on the Internet, like dysregulated nervous system. Dysregulated, regulated, blah, blah, blah. A dysregulated nervous system, just so we're all speaking the same language, is one in which a person is in a state of fight or flight more often than in a state of calm. A regulated nervous system includes fight or flight. So it's normal to get triggered, to go into a state of activation, and then to come back down, and to get into a state of activation and come back down. That's normal. There's no, again, kind of like that definition of healing as wholeness.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:22:31]:
There's no world in which we don't get triggered, and we don't get activated, and we don't move into a state of fight or flight. We don't have anger. That's not possible. And I feel like anyone who's teaching otherwise, like, that's spiritual bypassing, right? Like this. Love and light, peace and love, just positive thoughts only. That's bypassing the reality of what it means to be human. And so a regulated nervous system will move into states of fight or flight and sometimes freeze, depending on what's going on. That is a healthy, normal, necessary reaction to the world.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:22:59]:
But the point is that it's not happening constant or more often than you are in a state of calm. So having a state of calm be your baseline is regulated. Having activation be your baseline is dysregulation. So we definitely have periods of calm in our home, thank God, right? We definitely have periods where everyone's calm and mellow, and we're all getting along, and it's happy and wonderful. And actually, those moments are becoming more and more as we're figuring out our groove as a family of four. As my son is kind of starting to get the hang of his emotions and what to do with it, things are starting to shift. That was not the case a month ago, and that was a lot of where my own dysregulation started to come in. And so I was reflecting on this, too, because, again, I teach regulation as a living, right? Like, I'm teaching nervous system regulation.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:23:51]:
I'm teaching what that means, how to achieve it, etcetera. And so I was like, okay, so again, am I a failure because I'm not able to regulate my nervous system? I'm getting dysregulated. I'm moving into a state of chronic activation because of what's happening in my world. And I think what I've kind of been reflecting on and sitting with is this idea of life is life. You know, there are going to be times in our lives where we get thrown into these situations that we've never experienced before. And depending on the context and what's happening in the situation, it's very likely and possible that we can become dysregulated. And when that happens, our symptoms are going to come back, most likely because that is, you know, for me at least, the experience of a dysregulated nervous system. When I'm dysregulated, I have symptoms.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:24:40]:
That's how it shows up in my body. And I think a lot of that, again, is because of how I learned how to cope with stuff. It's like, push it down, ignore it, pretend like everything is fine. So then my body is keeping the score, holding on to all that stuff, and eventually it's like, okay, hello, you need to tune in. This is not working. You can't do this. This is not an effective way to manage your illness or to manage your life, really. So again, this sacred illness paradigm that I came to eventually is exactly that.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:25:09]:
It's saying that illness is this sacred invitation for you to tune in and reevaluate what is going on in my life, that it's causing me to be in this constant state of activation, what is not safe in my world, what is not conducive to a calm state, a calm way of being. I think the unfortunate reality is, you know, a lot of us are just in that state because of the way the world is where we have to work like two jobs just to make ends meet. And, you know, there's traffic and there's violence and the things we see on the media and the way just the powers that be, the systemic violence that happens, right, is just. It's immense. And so it's very normal for so many of us to be in a chronic state of activation because of that part of my goal with this work that I do and why I talk about it and why I'm teaching it, is to help us see the dysfunction in our world and the way that we're reacting to it. Find the ways in which to create safety in the day to day lives that we have, as much as we can to find that safety, to find that those safe harbors, to find those safe people. And collectively, you know, when more and more and more of us understand that our lives are not conducive to the health and the happiness and the love that we are deserving, we can together work to shift that paradigm, right? Because, you know, like the medical paradigm is certainly not conducive to supporting health in the way that we want. The political, I'm not even going to go there, but the political paradigm, right, is just not conducive to really truly supporting us in the way that we need.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:26:45]:
And so anyway, the point being is that the more of us who understand, like, we can actually shift things, there is a way for us to feel happy and healthy and whole in this life, the better, because we can work together to create this world that we want on the microcosm level, right? In our own personal daily lives. We have to consider what are the things that are within my control to help my system become more regulated, so that I feel more safe and more able to move into a state of calm on a daily basis, so that I am regulated and not constantly holding stress and activation in my body, which is not a state in which healing can occur.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:27:24]:
Hi everyone. Doctor Erin here. So by now you're starting to get an idea of some of what the sacred illness paradigm is all about. The sacred illness paradigm is all about this question of what is your illness inviting you to, to become? What is it that lies within each of us that allows some of us to acquire so called spontaneous healing or remissions? And what is the key to unlocking that innate self healing capacity in each and every one of us? The sacred illness blueprint is something that I developed as a guide to help you walk through this process step by step, to learn how to move deeper and deeper within yourself, to find these layers of dysregulation, regulation of trauma, of limiting beliefs of things that you're holding within your system that are keeping you.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:28:08]:
Small, stuck and sick.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:28:09]:
Ultimately, if we ignore the mind body connection and are not exploring the ways in which our nervous system continues to be dysregulated or in a chronic state of activation and stress, any healing modality that we put into our body from the outside in is going to be less effective, if not effective at all. So if you are currently feeling stuck, lost, confused or disillusioned in your healing journey, feeling like you have tried so many things, you have tried so many modalities, you have worked with so many providers, and you're just not seeing the results you want, know that this is normal. And of course you're not, because this foundational mind body connection is often, if not always, missed in all of these modalities. And just like we can't build a house on top of sand, our healing cannot grow and blossom and be strong and successful if the foundation is not laid first. So rather than doing something different, but similar to everything you have tried before and expecting different results, I encourage you to consider doing something different altogether. This is where I invite you to explore the sacred illness group coaching program. This is a low cost monthly membership option that I have created. It's constantly open, constantly enrolling where you can begin to explore this completely different way of engaging in your health, in your body, in your illness and in your healing process.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:29:27]:
What is provided inside this group coaching program is the blueprint that lays the foundation and lays the path out for you to follow, to begin to explore these deeper aspects of health, to truly get at the root of what is causing your illness and from there, allowing all other modalities to blossom so that you can actually start to see the changes and the healing take place in your body that you have been expecting and wanting all along. If you're ready and want to learn more, head on over to aurorasomatic.com and at the top of the screen, click on group coaching where you can read all about it and become a member today. I can't wait to see you on the inside. And for now, let's get back to the podcast.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:30:06]:
Here are some things that I've been doing since my flare up happened that have helped me since move back into a state of remission. So first things first, I had to kind of have this like like moment of gratitude with my body. Like almost in a sarcastically like okay haha. Thanks so much body for reminding me like what my work is all about and how helping me to reframe and remember, you know, truly the message of illness and the goal of illness, which is to get us to tune back in. I found that I was almost getting disconnected from my work because I had been enjoying health for so long. Like, you know, good, stable health. Not that I again, didn't have little tiny moments of not feeling good, but the general overall health was good. And I feel like I was starting to get disconnected from what it meant to have chronic illness because of that and so on.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:30:53]:
The one, you know, first of all, thank you for helping me to tune back in to my life in general and ask myself, what's not working? What do I need to change, what I need to look at? And secondly, thank you for keeping me humble in this work so that I can continue to relate to my audience and to you all who listen to this podcast, so that I can help guide you when you do have a flare up and really understand what it's all about and understand that it's not a failure, that it's part of wholeness. To have moments of challenge. Being an authentic, real human being is that sometimes life sucks and things happen that suck and things are really hard and unpredictable sometimes. And that's sometimes going to lead to a flare up. And all of our bodies find different ways to deal with that activation. I developed Crohn's disease, and some of you develop fibromyalgia, and some of you get mcas. There's lots of different ways in which that activation can manifest through our bodies. And I think it's really fascinating to think about why one of us has it this way and someone gets it that way.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:31:59]:
The point being is that the foundation of that activation is our nervous system. The foundation of that illness, I should say, is activation in the nervous system. So the root cause is the same, that foundational cause. And so coming back to that is we are nervous systems that are dynamic and responsive. And when it's basically like an input output system, right? Like the nervous system is going to respond to what it's given. And so when we are sick, when we are chronically sick, there is a chronic input that's telling the system to be activated, to be ready to respond, and we have to figure out what that is. So again, my first kind of step was to cultivate gratitude, to accept that this was what was going on, to allow myself to have it be seen, right? So I made a post about it on my Instagram page, and now here I am talking on my podcast. Letting myself be seen in my illness was a lot of the acceptance that I had to initially move through to find my footing in what to do next.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:33:04]:
So then the next thing I started to do was, okay, so chronic activation in my nervous system, aka getting triggered, is what's causing me to have this flare up. So what do I need to do when I'm getting triggered in order to kind of soften the blow, so to speak. So there's this quote from Viktor Frankl that I'm gonna butch butcher. But essentially it is between stimulus and response, there's a pause. And in that pause is our freedom. And I love that quote because it just, it's everything, right? So when we get triggered, if we can pause before we instantaneously respond, that's where we can really start to practice who and how we want to show up in the world as. So for example, let's say my son is upset because I said no about something and he starts screaming if I don't pause. And if I'm, let's say I'm tired or hungry or like, there's just too many variables to where I don't have a good sense of self control in that moment, I am going to get activated.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:34:02]:
I'm going to feel that anger and feel that stress building up in my system. When I started to observe myself. So I started to insert that pause and take a step back. So he starts screaming. I take a deep breath, I wait a minute and it's like, okay, I can see he's angry because I said no. He really wants that thing. What's a more skillful way? For me, just even that alone, inserting that pause and starting to rationally talk to myself about it, helps to take so much of the oomph out of that trigger, so to speak. Because when we just respond to something, we're entering into a story of like, this is safe, this is not okay.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:34:38]:
Fight or flight is basically like, I need to fight this thing or I need to run away from it, right? So it's really, when you immediately respond to a trigger, you're really feeding into this like, thing in the nervous system that's like, this is a threat, take care of it right now. And so that's where we get a lot of that big anger or that, those big responses because we're feeling in our bodies that that's the necessary way to respond in order to survive when the threat is a three year old, right? It's not actually a threat. Like he's not actually a threat to my safety. So when I'm able to slow down and pause and, and rationally think like, okay, he's mad because I wouldn't let him, like, play with that toy or whatever. That's understandable. I would probably be mad, too, if I really wanted to play with something and someone told me no. So then I'm able to get down on his level and have a conversation with him. But that pause is so essential to me, calming down and not allowing that activation to be.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:35:34]:
To grow, to get bigger and bigger and bigger. Right? So I'm basically trying to cut to interrupt that cycle of constant dysregulation, of constantly moving into fight or flight by inserting that pause. So that was. That's step two. Step three is just general, like, lifestyle stuff. Am I sleeping enough? Am I eating enough? Am I getting enough water? Am I getting outside? Am I engaging in things that bring me joy? No. Basically no to all of those things, you know? And sometimes, again, this is life, right? Like, I have a newborn, I sleep is going to be a little different when you're raising two children and running a small business, like eating and drinking water. Like, sometimes I'm so busy, like, I'm just not in tune with what my body's asking for.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:36:15]:
Or we're eating things that are, like, quick and convenient, right. Because we're both so tired by the end of the day, we being my husband and I, cooking is just not something we really want to do. So all of those things just are requiring me to kind of sit with. And again, like, life isn't perfect, right? And things can't. Sometimes there are just variables in our lives that are just nothing, what we want them to be for this season of life. And so I've had to kind of reflect, like, what is reasonable, what is within my control, that is not going to just add more stress to my life that I can start to tweak and change so that I have more space and more calm and more time in my life for things that bring me joy, for meals, for water drinking, etcetera. So lifestyle stuff was number three. Number four has been basically doing somatic work on myself.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:37:04]:
So I, at nighttime, after the baby falls asleep, I have been putting my hands on my gut in that area that I mentioned kind of by my right hip and allowing just whatever needs to come forward, to come forward. So I'm trained in somatic work, in somatic experiencing. So I kind of know what to do with that. It's a practice called somatic listening. And so essentially, I'm being with that part of my body, the way I normally talk about it with clients is like, it's kind of like watching tv. Like, you're just observing it. You're just letting it show up and be how it wants to be. So I'll go into that area and say, like, okay, there's pressure and it's burning, and it's kind of like, I don't know.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:37:46]:
It kind of feels like the size of a golf ball, and it's kind of pushing out and, you know, like, I'll just kind of describe what it looks like and in my mind's eye and what it feels like, and then I'll just observe what happens over the next few seconds or so. Like, 30 seconds, see what happens as I'm paying attention, if anything comes forward, like, sometimes emotions will come up. Sometimes images or memories or other sensations in my body start to arise. And so I'll just let those things start to come forward. And oftentimes, you can find kind of the trail that you need to follow. So, like, okay, my body is like, I'm feeling like I really need to, like, move my body around or twisted or an emotion will come forward, and it's like, okay, what's that attached to? And memories will start to come up, and sometimes nothing happens. But again, as a seasoned, somatic practitioner, these are the things that I guide people through and that I was able to guide myself through. So helping to release some of what's stored in my body has been monumental for me because that's essentially the core of the work is, like, what's your body holding that you haven't been releasing or haven't been working through? And so that helps to kind of, like, unpack, essentially, like, the suitcase your body's been carrying around for you while you were too busy to process.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:38:58]:
So it's been a lot of childhood stuff coming up for me, and a lot of that, like, I was talking about peacemaker stuff, like, perfectionist. Like, show the world that your fine stuff has been coming up. And so that leads me to the last thing I've been doing, which is, like, I was kind of saying, like, being transparent, like, being honest with what's going on with my body, sharing what's going on with my body and my health, asking for help, communicating more. You know, those are things that I don't. Did not typically do. Because of that, like, I'm okay, everything's fine. Peacemaker Persona. And so being transparent, speaking about it, being really real, like, I'm just so grateful for this opportunity to be more myself, be more authentic, and to be imperfect.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:39:42]:
Like, I can't actually. I can't even explain how nice it feels to be like, I'm sick. Hey, everyone, look at me. I'm sick. Like, it actually feels really good to my system to let people see it. And I think that's part of, like, the medicine that I've been missing in my own healing journey. Again, not that I've had a flare up for a really long time, and I'm so grateful for that. And this flare up came at a very crucial point in the work that I'm doing that I think it really helped me see this next layer of.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:40:09]:
Yeah, like, really being seen on this more intimate, deep level. Because even though I've been transparent about the work and what I do and how things have kind of, you know, moved through my life and how I was able to achieve remission, there was. There's always this weird, like, professional thing that I'm battling as a doctor and as someone who's in this position of helping others. You know, like, in medical school, you're taught to be very separate from your patients. Like, you don't want to form relationships. They don't. You can't tell them things about your life. And I understand that in a more clinical setting.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:40:41]:
But I think generally, like, me, as an authentic person, is much more open and transparent than that. Like, I like to have intimate relationships with people. I don't like surface conversations. I like to get to know someone. And it's not like in my sessions with people, I'm like, here's my life story. Let's make it all about me. Obviously not, right? But in general, as a person that is putting medicine out into the world, the more authentic I am, the more real that I am about who I am and my experiences, just the better it feels for me. And it seems to be helpful for others to see that someone like myself, who does this work and has had a chronic illness and now is having a flare up.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:41:19]:
And, like, I'm human, and I'm not immune to human stuff, right? Like, I'm not immune to life. I just have knowledge and a skill set that helps me move through it and a way to think about it that is really helpful for me. And then through my life and through demonstrating it, I can show others how to walk that path as well. So this podcast episode is sort of a special one in the sense that it's like a little bit of a life update, a little more intimate and personal in terms of what's been going on in my life. And I'm really, again, grateful to be able to share this with you, and I appreciate those of you who are listening. If this was inspiring to you or helpful, I would love to know if you want to drop a comment or send me a message. I would just love to hear if you saw yourself in this story, maybe even what you do when you're experiencing a flare up. But just to really put a kind of like a final cherry on top of this episode, I want to say to really remember that your body is a communication.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:42:21]:
Your symptoms are a communication. Your body is this beautiful, dynamic, responsive system that is taking things in constantly, even beneath our awareness, right? That subconscious kind of communication that our body is constantly having with the world and everything that it's putting out is a communication, sort of a reflection of what it's being given. And so if things are feeling imbalanced or painful or unwell, then there is this need to reflect on what is my body responding to that is keeping it in a state of activation that's not feeling good. What's stories has it been told? What beliefs am I carrying? What sort of things are not in alignment with who I really am? How am I not showing up in the world in a way that is not really true to who I am? And it's tricky. It's sneaky, right? Like, here I am, I'm almost 20 years down the road from my diagnosis and my initial diagnosis, and I'm just now recognizing how even though I've known that belief about myself of like, I have to show up and be perfect and please everyone and make peace, I still was behaving in ways that was sort of not still in alignment with that belief. Right. And so it can be really tricky to really continue to take those beliefs off and show up in the world in a different way. And so I think that's why it's so important and helpful to have objective people in your life to help you kind of continue to explore those layers and continue your journey.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:43:49]:
Even if you feel like you know it all and have done so much. It's so different to really to know something and then to embody it. And I think that's the constant work for all of us, is to take what we know and to bring it into our bodies and to then live that out into the world, out in the open. So thanks for being here, and we'll see you next week. Thanks so much for tuning in to another episode of the Sacred Illness podcast. If you find this information shared here, inspirational and educational. Educational, please share it with those you think would benefit from this work. To take this work deeper yourself.
Dr. Erin Hayford [00:44:22]:
Check out our website, www.aurorasomatic.com, where you can explore our coaching community and course options. And don't forget to subscribe to this channel where new content is coming out all the time intended to inspire, awaken, and help you deepen your relationship with yourself, your life and your world. We'll see you next time.
