Case Study: My Illness is My "No"

I am currently working with an individual who was diagnosed with a rare form of Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) at the age of 12.

Regardless of the age, RA is an incredibly interruptive condition that gets in the way of life in some way, shape, or form for all inflicted. 

For a 12 year old, this would be understandably even more devastating. Getting a cold or a flu is the norm for the younger years of life; getting an autoimmune condition with a progressive and debilitating prognosis is not.

And of course to the outside, untrained eye, this diagnosis looks like an absolute failure of the body—a betrayal even, a life-ruiner, an unfair lot in life.

To me, and to my client, however… we are working to uncover the purpose of her illness on a much deeper level, and the wisdom of her body in producing it.

And wow, it is such a wise, important solution from her body.

Before I get into that, let me back it up for a moment and explain who I am and what I do to give context and meaning to the above statement that might seem a bit radical and outlandish.

I’m Erin, or Dr. Erin, or mom depending on who you ask.

I am a Naturopathic Doctor and a Somatic Experiencing® Practitioner and my journey into holistic, so-called “alternative” medicine began in my early 20’s when I, too, was diagnosed with an “incurable”, progressive, devastating autoimmune condition—Crohn’s disease.

I’m sure I’ll weave more of my story in the posts to come, but for now, for the sake of this post, I will just say that I never accepted the prognosis of this diagnosis.

I accepted the fact that Crohn’s disease is the label we give when the body’s immune system is attacking some part of the digestive tract.

I did not accept that this disease was going to be a permanent part of my life, that it was going to get in the way of my life, or that I would have to do any of the things that folks with this condition typically have to do to “manage” it.

Initially, you could say that I was in denial, and I would say that was absolutely the truth.

Remember that I was in my early 20’s when I was diagnosed… so I continued to party, to eat the foods I wanted, and to essentially lie to myself and everyone around me that I was absolutely fine.

You would have never guessed the amount of knotting, twisting, and swelling pain that was happening in my gut as I smiled and laughed playing cards with my friends.

Honestly, I would have never guess it, either.

I was super good at disconnecting from my body, and my Crohn’s disease was a direct product of that—the loudest my body could get to get me to pay attention and tune in.

But despite ignoring the pain I was in and forcing life to remain status quo, I was at the same time looking into wtf was wrong with me and what I needed to do to get rid of this illness.

A very long story short (something I am famous at saying after rambling) I wound up at naturopathic medical school.

And in my third year, I took a mind-body elective.

And that is when I understood the root cause of chronic disease was not what was happening in the body on a physical level (“your immune system is attacking your gut”) by rather why that was happening.

And that discovery changed the course of my life, shaped how I practice medicine, and provided me with my purpose: teaching you about the sacred invitation of illness.

So, let’s circle back to my client.

Without telling her entire story to the world, the cliff notes version is that she was not allowed to march to the beat of her own drum as a child.

Her caregivers had very specific ideas about who she needed to be and how she needed to show up in the world.

This translated to a reality where she never go to understand what her needs were, what her desires were, who she was, or where the boundary was between what was ok vs what was not ok…

Essentially, she never got to say no.

She was forced into doing so many things that were not of her choosing. And one of these things was an after-school activity that was very physically demanding.

She absolutely hated it.

She described to me this experience of day after day, riding in the car to go to this activity, and begging her caregiver to not take her, to take her home. Begging them to please listen to her, to be honored, to be respected, to not be forced to do this thing that she hated and every ounce of her body wanted to stop.

And of course this one activity was a microcosm of all the other things she had no say over, where her no was overridden and ignored.

Until?

Yes.

Until she developed RA.

Turns out, doing a physically demanding activity is pretty much impossible when you have a condition that affects the joints of your body, making moving, running, bending, twisting, or turning an incredibly painful task.

Suddenly, she had (to her caregiver) a viable, undeniable, no.

She physically could not do the after-school activity anymore.

And so… it stopped. She could stay home. She could rest. She could do what she needed and wanted.

BUT, only if she was sick.

Her illness became her permission to opt out and take a break from life, the exhausting life that was not her own.

Her illness became her voice. Her advocate. Her champion, her protector.

It was a reliable opt-out that no one argued with.

And in our work together, we are communicating with this gift of her body that so wisely knew that continuing down the path of self-denial in such a way would only lead to worse and worse things.

Truly, the RA was an expression of mercy.

It was protecting her from another near-decade of absolute denial of her needs and her no.

And while it didn’t suddenly cause her caretakers to “snap out of it” and become the caring, loving parents she needed and deserved, at the very least her diagnosis gave her space from their demands and their override of her core, authentic self, until she could move out and move away, working to slowly recollect and reconnect to the slivers of self she had left.

So…

This is my work. This is what lights me up, this is what brings me alive.

Listening to people’s stories and putting together the pieces, the timeline of moment 0 (conception) to the moment of the emersion of illness, identifying the why of the illness, its wisdom and purpose, and helping a person understand how illness’ job is to preserve further damage to our authentic selves until we are ready to reconnect with it… truly I believe this is some of the most important work that can be done.

Imagine if, at the time of diagnosis, we were rooted in this reality of: your illness is here to help you get back into alignment with your path and purpose.

How different would the world be?

How much more empowered would we be, as humans?

How incredible would it be to recognize the alchemical power of illness and it’s capacity to transform us into deeper layers and levels of health… rather than the current paradigm that conditions us to resent, suppress, and remove illness at all cost?

I don’t really know the answer to the above questions, but I have ideas.

And it is my hope that through sharing these case studies, my clinical experiences and insights, and my personal journey through life as a person now fully in remission from my “incurable” illness, that we will all begin to see what those answers might be.

Who is your illness inviting you to become?

Until next time—thanks for being here.

Erin